It started when I was six, on New Years my cousin sexually assaulted me in my childhood bedroom closet, he was 13 or 14 at the time, I was to young to understand what had happened but I told my mom cause I was in pain for a while, she didn’t believe me, she actually got mad, said I was lying and I was making things up, and as a child I believed my mom and always assumed I imagined it, even tho I couldn’t go near that closet anymore without having a panic attack and I would have night terrors

Fast forward some years I’m 14 and I’m at my aunt and my uncles house after a bbq, my mom was to drunk to take me home (my father was in Portugal, they haven’t been together since I was 2) so I had no way of leaving, now my cousins around 21 at this time, when no ones around he keeps tryna touch me, I keep moving away and telling him to stop when he grabs me by the face and tells me to sit pretty like I did before

That’s when I knew I didn’t imagine it before, I had that same pit feeling as when I was a child, he had this bone chilling smile as he stroked my face and told me how pretty I had always been

I wish I had done something, screamed for help, kicked or punched him, anything but I couldn’t move or talk or anything

Thankfully my aunt came home and he got off me and told me “I’ll see you in a bit” and left

I was shaking at this point and started to cry, when I was alone I left as soon as I could and walked home, it was around 2 am and I live in a very bad area but it seemed better than staying there

From 14 to now (I am almost 20) he torments me, always trying to touch me and talk to me, brushes my face and tells me how beautiful I am

I make excuses to not go to family events, I can’t tell my mom cause he doesn’t believe anything I say

I can’t bring myself to tell my dad cause I know it would break him (he’s going through a hard time in his life rn)

My boyfriend knows about my problem but I refuse to tell him which cousin it is cause he’s content on “killing” him if he knows (I have about 22 cousins just in my city, mainly male so it is hard to guess off hand)

I’ve talked to a police officer but they said my story was to here and there to understand

I suffer from ptsd and depression and anxiety and just so many other things, most people don’t believe me when I say things

I don’t sleep most nights, I find myself shaking at times when I think about it

I feel at peace when my boyfriend holds me, like no one will ever hurt me there, or just being with him cause my cousin stays away from me when he’s around

But I know he can’t be around all the time 

I don’t know what to do anymore, my friends always tell me how brave I have always been and strong and scary cause I was never one to let someone push me around

But he makes me feel helpless, weak small however you want to put it

If you had looked at us side by side you wouldn’t of guessed it, he’s scrawny and nerdy looking, I’m a skinny thick built (I’m a volleyball and rugby player so I have a lot of muscle) I appear more mean and threatening than he is, were the same height and I could easily over power him with not much effort

But I freeze, I turn back into that helpless six year old I was, alone scared and helpless

I’m running out of options and I honestly don’t know how much longer I can do this