Would this be a hard pass for you?

Question

I’ll make this really simple. Let’s say you have a husband and 2 kids under the age of 2. 
Most of the time your husband is loving, he helps so much with the kids (makes them food, cleans up after them, changes diapers, gives them bath time) he also supports you financially and is generous with buying you gifts. 
Despite tending to the kids everyday, The love is still there, sex is ok, affection is still there, but there’s just one thing.  One thing he does that might be a dealbreaker. NOTHING else he does bother you except this...
When you get into arguments (I would say twice a month) and he gets really angry (no yelling) just heated, he calls you names. What kind of names? Bitch, stupid, fuck you etc. the worst part is he does it in front of his two daughters (under the age of two) Would this be a deal breaker for you? 
A couple hours after the fight, he apologizes, admits that was really wrong but the following month again, it could be a petty argument, he calls you names. 
Would you stay or go?

Accepted Answer

I would stay, but require professional help for both of us. It sounds like he knows what he’s doing is wrong, but does not have the tools to change it. Couples counselling can be really helpful to give tools to teach you how to fight well.

Answer

I would tell him “if you hear a guy say this to you daughter one day, how will you react? 
Right now you are teaching them that it is Oke to be yelled at and called names”
I would go talk to someone together to figure that out and try to not argue in front of them.

Answer

Hard pass because he knows what he is doing is wrong yet he continues to do it. The only other thing would be to give him a taste of his own medicine but not in front of the girls of course. I’d talk to him about it and maybe give him one last chance but in the background be making arrangements to get the hell out of there with my girls. Look for places to move, make sure you have a plan b basically so that when he fucks up again, you’ve already got wheels in motion to cut your losses. 
You owe it to them babies to set an example of a kick ass mom who doesn’t let a man disrespect her.

Answer

He is teaching his daughters what kind of man to settle for.  He should be setting an example of the type of man they should find in life, but saying those things to you and them witnessing it is heartbreaking and seriously fucked up! Regardless of them hearing it, it shouldn't be happening. But I am so sad for those girls who have to see their father verbally abuse you! I wouldn't tolerate that for one second. Either he sorts his shit out wit counseling and the next time it happens HES OUT!

Answer

What lesson would you like your daughter to learn from that when they become adult.
To tell themselves it is acceptable, after all thats how we saw mum do...she accepted it so ...
Or to show them that they should not accept to be insulted. No amount of cleaning providing for the family and looking after the kids should excuse such languages
 (and btw looking after family is what people do. You dont get extra point because you clean your house and look after the kids or care for your wife).
Also I am not saying the man has no responsibility on the image he gives to his daughters but. You can only control your actions and what you accept or not.

Answer

Honestly, since I'm traumatized from an emotionally abusive relationship, I just do not have it in me to deal with that. I just don't, can't & won't ever again. 
Otherwise he sounds like a great partner, just needs to go to therapy or learn to actually communicate healthfully & emotionally regulate. 
In my opinion, there's not really an excuse, to be an adult, and yell or call names. Learn to have an adult conversation. 
I understand we all make mistakes, but repeated regular, toxic & emotionally abusive mistakes? Like, work on yourself already dang.

Answer

I would have a non heated talk about arguments. I’ve talked to my boyfriend about the way we fight and we fight way healthier now.

Answer

I think he needs to get professional help and work on communication. If not then I would leave.

Answer

Maybe he can try anger management... sounds like he lets himself get out of control when he’s upset.

Answer

I say yes because this is a action he’s choosing to do, he can work on this. He can definitely change this behavior but he doesn’t. So yes

Would this be a hard pass for you?

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