Okay so this is a big one, my entire life I’ve been surrounded by shitty men. I didn’t have good roles models growing up, my dad who was a great father just was a shitty partner to my mom. My upbringing wasn’t usual but I didn’t have the worst childhood either, it could’ve been worse. And then, I was assaulted for a long time by my brother which affected me for a long time with men, it was hard to move on. Anyways, I walked away from that into a very abusive relationship. I was running from my past (brother) couldn’t cope being in the home where it happened, I stopped sleeping, eating, seeing friends, I stayed in my room 99% and eventually it lead me to just up and leave and get out of the city completely. I was 16 at the time, moved in with a guy I had known from my childhood and boy, was that a very wrong choice to do. It was great for the first 6 months but then he did a 360. He started hitting me, choking me, screaming at me, throwing things at me, taking my money, my phone (only source of communication with anyone) it just got real bad. I dropped out of highschool, started working full time and banking everyday to save up for first and lasts months rent, I’d go to work with bruises around my neck, black eyes, hair ripped out, I was 90 pounds 5 foot 8 tall, it was disgusting and I was almost there, I almost had enough to get out and my money was stolen by him. I felt defeated, I went back after work one day and he was in the room fucking another girl. They dragged me outside by my hair and beat me up. They got into the car (it was country so they had land) and went to drive off with my wallet, I ran after the car and tried to open the door to get it and my ex, rolled down the window grabbed me buy my hair and the driver (some other dude) started doing donuts while I was being dragged on the outside, he let go, they rolled over my hand and it was completely shattered. My collar bone was broken, ribs, my face was absolutely fucked up and I just ended up calling my parents, I hid away from them for a while because I didn’t want them to see me fucked up but I broke down, they came and dragged me out of that environment and I was able to keep my job. Never got a cast, worked the very next day. It was just the worst but I was determined to make it and that’s when I met my daughters dad. He looked like absolute gold compared to what I came from, and I know, I should’ve taken time to heal but I didn’t. He didn’t hit me, so I was lucky right? Wrong! It was all great until I got pregnant then he did a 360 as well, he started cheating, very verbal in calling me names and yelling at me. He made me quit my job because he was insecure, and here I was again. Kept inside, didn’t do anything, he would yell at me if I didn’t clean the floors on my hands and knees, the house had to be spotless, dinner had to be set out for him, clothes had to be laid out every morning, towel had to be warm from the dryer and handed to him after showering. This time, I didn’t hide from my family. They came around and it kept me staying strong, I made a million excuses for his behaviour because I wanted to keep our family together and I felt guilty for my daughter but it came down to me leaving and I have worked on myself for a while and have recently started dating someone, I’m taking it very slow.

But my question is, how do I get over some of my trauma? I still do things in self defence out of habit. I sleep with my phone under my pillow because if I didn’t have it there I couldn’t sleep (one time I woke up to him choking me until I went unconscious) so, for some reason, it’s a major comfort thing... like I don’t sleep in my bed, I sleep on my couch because it just sets me off. I know it looks bad about the phone but it’s just a habit. I’ve tried leaving it out and I can lay there for hours awake... idk what it is about it but I’m working on it. Sudden movements throw me off, I’ve jumped and thrown my arms in front of my face and closed my eyes as if he was going to hit me but really, he was just grabbing something... it’s embarrassing. I’m having a hard time reacting to his kindness... he bought me flowers and had them delivered to work and I’m going to be honest, I felt like I was going to puke and I don’t know why! I thanked him, told him they were lovely and absolutely beautiful and how sweet he was but initially when I walked in,( we work together) he seen me lol and just keep walking and I can’t even tell you why I did that! I literally freaked out Internally it was absolutely awful of me! I went down after, and looked at it closer, read the card but I just needed a moment to process it. I don’t know how to react to these things, I’ve never had it before but again, working on it.

I really like this guy, he’s amazing but I have all these triggers and problems that sometimes I think I’ll never be ready for this and guilty that these things I keep doing from my past relationships I’m doing in ours because that’s wrong. He’s not them, so I shouldn’t act this way. Should I break up with him? Should I keep going and work on these things? Am I absolutely awful?