I was cheated on multiple times in my last relationship before I finally left. And something kept coming up: the role of a victim.

My ex kept saying that I had this victim mentality. Mind you, I’ve always hated being a victim when I was younger and felt like it made me look weak and gain a lot of pity. Even the first time he cheated, I blamed myself. But the truth is, I was a victim and I have to acknowledge that what this person did hurt me.

One of his female friends who is some spiritual person who had went through a toxic relationship was telling him that she realized that she needed to stop having a victim mentality and realize that she too contributed to the demise of the relationship. I can understand that, BUT I don’t think ppl should highlight their flaws in an effort to level the playing field with someone who clearly took advantage of the relationship. Does that make sense?

While I acknowledge and have always acknowledged my flaws within the relationship, ultimately it came down to the cheating. He had flaws as well, but those were not the main focus. He told me towards the end that I was also to blame for the demise of the relationship and started to highlight flaws that I had already fixed within the relationship. I always told him, I am not perfect, I was selfish for not ending the relationship sooner because I kept seeing the red flags, but I had loved this person so much.

Anyways... I just feel like people sometimes just need to accept the role of a victim. Not ABUSE the role, but ACCEPT. And acknowledge the abuse and trauma and realize that it has nothing to do with you, the victim, but with the perpetrator. I don’t understand why people can’t just let people be victims and go through their grief instead of stifling it. Feel free to add anything. Similar experiences, agreements, disagreements, your perspective. I’m open.

EDIT:

I’m really bad at putting my thoughts into words, but my point is, I know a lot of people who blame themselves for wrongdoings that others have done to them or they make excuses for the abuser. Rather than accepting that the perpetrator did them wrong and growing from that. I’m not talking about people who claim to be a victim in every situation that comes up in their life, but people who have a hard time accepting that they WERE a victim of someone else because often times, those abusers make them feel like it was their fault. You will not be a victim your entire life, but you should be able to take time to grieve as a victim without people/abusers making you feel guilty for doing so.