Feeling incompetent and defeated


Hello, I am 26 yrs old and have been trying to conceive since October 2020. Still a newbie and am aware and do not intend to be insensitive to any couple that have been trying for much longer, but this has been my experience thus far.

Last night I was 13 dpo I started testing at 8dpo with fr and currently now using acc-med sticks. I’m impatient so I set myself up for disappointment early and each negative takes a part of me. It’s a sadness I don’t know how to explain I can only compare it to feeling incompetent and defeated. At the same time I try to give myself hope I spend countless time reading comments that say they got their bfp at 15 dpo and think there’s still a chance for me( which there is) but after those days pass and I know I’m out the sadness eats at me. Last night I took a test and it was negative I went into the room and pretended I hadn’t seen it yet because my partner was in the room and I don’t want him to see how obsessive this can make me. But after I looked at the test and said “it looks like a no” I changed into my pjs and crawled into bed and just cried. I cried for almost an hr and at first he didn’t understand what was happening and I couldn’t bother to explain. He finally understood and said there wasn’t anything wrong with me. That it will happen he held me and reassured me and I just cried I felt so low I felt like I was being punished I felt like I brought this upon myself . I first got pregnant at 18 and had a miscarriage. Then at 21 and I had an abortion because we weren’t ready and he didn’t want a baby and I was too scared of my parents and I wasn’t ready for the responsibility and commitment a baby brings. I then was pregnant again at 23 and had a miscarriage. The last 2 I felt a sense of guilt and I hated myself the 2nd because I let excuses and irresponsibility let me make what I now think was a bad decision. The 3rd because my body couldn’t give my baby what it needed to survive in me. Now I feel like I’m being punished for having an abortion and I’m aware that is not how life works (possibly) but it’s how things play out in my mind. Yesterday I cried and said I did this to myself that now that I want a baby that I’m trying so hard and giving it my all each month it’s not happening for me.

I want to be optimistic and hope that one day soon I will get pregnant because god knows how much this baby is wanted by us and how loved he’ll be. I pray each month and leave it in gods hands.

I truly wish anyone on this ttc the best and I pray we all get our rainbow baby . It’s a thought and draining journey but it’s so worth it. I don’t think there is enough light on what a woman goes through while ttc. So here’s my piece of hardship because I need to vent.

Thank you for reading and I wish you the best of luck on your journey and you are not alone.