Can you control how you feel?

Question

For example, if someone said something hurtful to you, can you choose to just not be hurt? Can you choose to be happy regardless of everything else around you? This is based off of a conversation I had so I’m curious how common it is to be able to have total control over your emotions.

Answer

I’ve asked my therapist this and she said no you can’t control how you feel but you can control how you react to something.

Answer

Yes. You can't change what others say to you or how they treat you, but you can change how it affects you. It takes time to get to that point, but it is very possible. Not everyone will like you, and that's okay. Not everyone will know the full story of your life and judge you from the tiny bit they do know, and that's okay. Just let it roll off, knowing that their words have no merit on who you are as a person.

Answer

I don’t think you guys are understanding. I’m talking about your actual FEELINGS, not how you react to things.

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I don’t think you can change how you feel, but you can change how you react.

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I mean you are allowed to be hurt but you don't have to give it power.

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Yes, absolutely . It’s all about how you think . Our minds are very powerful and we can either let our minds control us or we can take control of our minds and our thoughts . I’ve done so for a while myself . This is what helped pull me out of severe depression , being able to control my mind and train of thought . Whatever that person said may hurt but if you choose to not let it get to you and not let it spiral into something else you can 100 percent get through it and put it behind you so it doesn’t affect you any longer .

Answer

I have issues with my mum and siblings. They say awful things about me because I no longer allow them to be shitty to me. Their nasty behaviour hurts! It hurts every damn day and I miss them and I'm always sad by the fact that we've ended up like this. No I don't want to feel this way, and if I could turn it off I would. Like others have said I dont react to it anymore, but that doesn't mean I'm not feeling upset.
I think it is context dependant though.
Like if someone on here called me a bad mother I wouldn't let that hurt me, I wouldn't feel any way about it, because I dont think strangers have the power to make you FEEL anything, I think its then a choice to take it to heart. But if my fiance called me a bad mother I'd be torn to absolute shreds. (Not that he ever would by the way, hes always telling me how amazing I do)

Answer

You can always control your reaction to a situation. How you react is a choice

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Something someone does or says to you can only hurt you if you let it. I’ve learned, over the years, to control the way I react to certain things.

Answer

It is really important to have the confidence to control your reactions, reactions are not always physical things like saying "go away".
I think people are trying to explain to you how although it isn't possible to control all your feelings, you can control how you react and deal with those feelings.
When you react to an emotion, you start down a path of either intensifying the feeling of that emotion, or, you go down a path of being able to see that the short time you experienced that emotion was enough, so now it is time to move on. 
Sounds stupid, so I'll give you an example that you used earlier....      
If my "friend" told me to kill myself, I would immediately be hurt, upset, feeling worthless and unloved, possibly feeling shock if it came out nowhere. So I am going to use those emotions throughout the example.
Now, I would feel all of that very quickly, they would be intense emotions, and they are all negative emotions.
There are 2 main paths you could take, your first reaction to those emotions will determine which main path you take. However,  both of the paths have a lot of other paths leading off, obviously there are not only 2 outcomes!
Your reaction will either be to express all that you feel, or, to recognise your emotions but not use them as your fuel for your reaction.
If you react by expressing all of those emotions that you felt immediately, you are immediately telling yourself that those emotions are the most important issue.
The hurt, anger, sadness, shock, and pain will be your "fuel" for not only all of your upcoming reactions and actions, but also how you process the experience at  a later date. 
Your emotions will be the "main event" of what happened, not the fact that your "ftiend" behaved awfully.
Instead,  the other path to take, would be about not letting those emotions rule everything that you think, say or do following the issue.
Instead of reacting straight away with anger, tears, or anything else.... Some people are able to acknowledge that they feel awful straight away, recognise that this is an awful situation to be in, so they will seek to ease those feelings by reacting in a way that is designed to remove them from the situation that causes pain.
For example, they may react to bring told to kill themselves by:
• Saying, "I don't think this is a conversation that should continue", or,  "What you have just said means this call/conversation/meet up needs to end now".
• By getting distance from the "scene", and NOT reacting to the awful situation, nor the emotions that were immediately felt, the person has a chance to acknowledge that they feel awful, and feel those feelings in safety, where they can process their emotions in a healthy way.
• The person is then able to address all of their psychological and emotional needs, which means that they are more likely to have thoughts and make decisions that are not based upon still being stuck in a cycle of anger, pain, and fear.
So, although you cannot control the emotions you feel immediately when something happens, you can control how you choose to react.
If you react in a calm but protective manner - by ending the situation - you are more likely to be able to work through the emotions that were brought up.
This means that you can then take appropriate steps  such as ending the "friendship", but you are not dwelling on those initial emotions still. 
By remaining stuck in the emotions that were brought up by the situation, by living with those emotions each and every day, a person is unable to work through and heal.
This person will be consistently thinking back to the situation, often experiencing  those initial emotions each time they do.
This can lead to issues with anxiety, depression, and even post-traumatic stress disorder.
This then causes further pain and suffering in that person's life.
The reason we feel those emotions so intensely, and so quickly in situations such as those, us because it is triggering an Emotional Fight or Flight Response.
It may not be a bear attacking you, but the brain senses fear and danger exactly  the same as if it were.
The area of the brain that triggers those emotions is the oldest part of the brain, it is there to get us out of situations that cause us fear and pain.
If we don't listen to our brain, and instead we try and engage further in the situation that is causing us to feel all those negative emotions, we are ignoring a defence mechanism. 
We are choosing to continue to feel pain and suffering.
I have to admit, I have so many situations (not as awful as this) where so-called friends have made me feel this way, and instead of being strong enough to say "I am ending this conversation, and I am leaving", I stayed...
Those are the situations that replay over and over in my head. Those experiences are the ones that where I cannot stop feeling all of the negative emotions that I felt at the time.
So, people are telling you that "you can choose how to react", and you are then saying "but that doesn't stop how you feel"... I know it's really difficult, but it actually DOES change how you feel.
When you react to a horrible situation by ending it, and tending to your emotional wounds early, you can hopefully prevent a deep and painful emotional scar, and instead, be left with a memory - even if it is a horrible one.
The whole basis of CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) is that you can improve your emotional state, by changing how you think and react to the experiences that cause you to feel negative emotions.
Sending you some really positive thoughts 💓

Can you control how you feel?

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