Hi everyone. This is a long post so if you make it to the end, thank you! Please be kind, this wasn’t easy to write.

Over 6 years ago I met my ex. At the time I didn’t realise he was emotionally abusive, but looking back the abuse was constant. The warning signs were there from the get go.

During our relationship, he would call me names. When I said it upset me he would tell me he was only joking but did it again shortly after. He would avoid every serious question I had and reply with questions himself. For example, he ignored me for a day so I asked what he was doing or where he was that he couldn’t respond. His response was ‘don’t start this none sense I was tired and working loads. Why you asking me this? You accusing me of being with someone else? Why are you sticking around if you think that of me?’ I would get angry and upset and all of a sudden he would call me crazy (bunny boiler to be specific) but I never got an answer so it became one of our recurring arguments.

He would tell me one minute he wanted a relationship with me then the next he didn’t, ignore me for days then apologise just to shut me up and repeat this a week later. If he didn’t get his own way he’d throw a temper tantrum. He would constantly ask for nude pictures even when I was working and when I said no he would tell me I was frigid, throw a tantrum then ignore me. I’d end up apologising for this later, even though he was in the wrong!

There was a time I ended things with him and tried to date. I told him I had a date when he wouldn’t leave me alone. The evening before the date, he told me he overdosed and was going into hospital then blocked me and left me worried sick. The next day he unblocked me and text me telling me he missed me so much, he was sorry and he wanted to give things a proper go. But if i wanted this I was to cancel my date and send him proof of the message. I argued with him, to which he said well if you do date him he won’t want you anyway and proceeded to list every flaw, insecurity and past issue I confided in him. He got in my head and I did what he asked. How humiliating. But that’s what he did to me. It turns out, I now think he was having an affair and he used these tactics to hide me from his now wife. There were a lot more, but these are the main ones I remember. Aside from all this, I still thought I loved him. When we were good, it was amazing. But when it was bad it was the worst relationship I’ve had.

Anyway after 9 months of constant up and downs I finally walked away. I met my now husband about 5 months after this. My ex still popped up every now and again trying to guilt me to come back to him so I was left with no choice but to block him, and I haven’t heard from him since. Over the 6 years he has crossed my mind quite a bit and often things that happen in my relationship trigger me, but I’ve always managed to keep it at bay - up until this week.

I searched for an email unrelated to him and to my surprise a chat export popped up between him and I. I forgot it was there. I opened it, read the messages (I wish I hadn’t) and ever since I feel like I’m back at the point I was all those years ago.

It’s like I’m reliving it all again, I’m feeling every emotion I did at the time as if it’s just happened. I feel guilty for allowing him into my head space when I’ve moved onto a new healthy relationship, but in all honestly I don’t think I ever fully got over it and seeing those messages has just brought everything to the surface. I don’t have feelings of love towards him or even happy feelings, but I feel the hurt just as strongly now as I did then. I’ve spent today in tears researching if it’s normal to be dealing with this so many years after the relationship ending. Has anyone been in a similar situation that can help shed some light on this? I just feel like I’m never going to be free of him, and that’s what I so desperately want.