I dont know why I can't leave

Hey yall. Long post ahead, bare with me.

I've been in a relationship for 7 years now. Technically, we're engaged, but I don't want to marry him. Literally, hearing the word fiance come out of his mouth makes me cringe. Let me explain why.

For the first 5 years or so, he was extremely toxic. He has only actually accused me of cheating a couple of times, but he was constantly assuming things that come off that way. He never let me hang out with anyone for a while, and when I eventually realized that was wrong and hung out with my friends (every now and then) anyway, he wouldn't tell me no but he would argue with me.

We first started dating while I was still in high school and he was about to graduate (2 year age difference). I spent the 2nd half of my teenage years with him after school every day whether I wanted to or not. I spent lunch alone every day because he would've flipped out if I sat at a table that even had one guy at it. I isolated myself because I was terrified that my younger brother who was also in my school, might see me talk to a guy (although I tried to avoid it all all costs) and possibly bring it up while my bf was around. Not to "tell" on me or anything, but just brought up as conversation.

I ended up getting pregnant my senior year of high school and had my son right after I graduated. We moved in together immediately after graduation and it only got worse from there. At this point we were together literally 24/7 besides when he was at work, and it still wasn't enough for him. I still had to stay home, I still couldn't have my only friend left come over because he "doesn't want his house becoming a circus while he's at work". I eventually got a job at a popular chain retail store, and the cheating accusations immediately got worse. If I did my makeup before work, hes asking me who I'm trying to impress. Every time I came home from work, he would ask me if any guys talked to me. Obviously I had to lie, because in retail it's impossible not to talk to customers and coworkers of the opposite sex. Eventually he caught me in that lie and I was in big trouble for not telling him that i was flirted with once of twice in the 2 years I worked there.

For a while, I was only able to wait till he got home so we can shower together, but that came to an end after a couple the because I told him we can't shower together with the baby around.

He used to make me tell him if I recieved any friend requests or messaged from guys on Facebook, and then get mad at me for it. Eventually I just stopped telling him and that made him even more angry.

For a while I was only allowed to post pictures of myself with him in it. When I started to say fuck that and posted pictures of myself, he was go though the likes and argue with me if any guys liked it.

I remember he made me cry on my 17th birthday because he went though my Facebook messages from before we were together and didn't like what he saw. I remember he went though my entire friend's list and deleted 85% of the guys that I had on there, and ALL of the other guys who shared his common first name.

Im not even attracted to him anymore, although I know he is an attractive guy. I just find his demeanor and his temperment and his jealousy all very unattractive. I dread having sex with him, but I do it to avoid the fight. I feel like my "type" and what I like in a man has changed drastically since I met him when I was 15.

I can go on and on for days about the way he used to be. Over the past couple years he really calmed down after I tried leaving him a couple times, i guess that gave him a reality check. But he still gets angry if mention i wanna hang out with a friend sometimes. But now, instead of saying we should be spending all of out time together, he'll bring up how when we went kayaking on a Saturday together once last year I was texting my friend while he fished. I feel like no matter what, he's trying to argue with me so I stop hanging out with anyone else. We're still together all the time, and I dont get much time away from him because I just don't wanna hear the argument. I still dread telling him if my friend asked to hang out. I still have anxiety around him all of the time, even if I have no reason to. The thought of having to marry him makes me so mad. I hate hearing him call me his fiance. I hate that we have to go to bed together at the same exact time every night, I hate that he has no hobbies because it makes it harder for me to not feel guilty going to hang out with friends. I get jealous seeing my friends boyfriends do their own thing and have their own lives apart from their gfs.

Although he's improved tremendously over the last 2 years, I still am not happy. I feel like I'm still angry about the past. But when I try to leave, I end up feeling very guilty for him and for our son and end up going back because its what's easier for everybody. Then I question why I even wanna leave him in the first place. I come back and feel okay for about a month, then go back to quare one and contemplate how and when I can leave every day. I'm tired of being in this cycle. I'm financially dependent on him and probably even just codependent. I want better for myself.

Woah, this is long. If you're still here, thanks for reading. Not sure if I'm looking for advice of just for someone to say "I've been there". I feel so alone.