Third trimester emotion or hormones? I’m not sure..

Yesterday, I burst into uncontrollable tears in my husbands arms because ... I don’t actually know. I am sore everywhere, I’m 37 weeks pregnant, I have a hard time sleeping through the night and acid reflux is a nightmare. But it’s not just the physical things that are bothering me and honestly I don’t really care if no one reads this, I just need someone to know. I’m sad. I’m sad all the time and I can’t seem to shake it off. I have moments of happiness but on the regular I’m just sad or anxious.

I have had a rough pregnancy. I was very sick for about 6 months and am still on prescription. I lost my job at three months pregnant because I wouldn’t be a part of something I felt was morally wrong and could danger my career. Honestly, that’s been such a brain sore for me. My identity was so tied up into my career I feel lost without it and because I was cast out because I wouldn’t bow to the pressure although I know it wasn’t my fault, it still makes me feel like a failure. Especially since while that was going on, I wasn’t in my best state of mind. I was so sick and prior to being let go, I had been in the hospital with a possible miscarriage. I was going to tell my boss about the pregnancy and why I was so out of it, I just wanted one more scan to make sure the baby with still there and healthy. I was worried that if I told him, the whole company would know and if I lost the baby, I couldn’t handle all the people. What I didn’t know is they were already planing on getting rid of me and because I was not doing well, they used it to get rid of me. I feel like such a failure even though I couldn’t help that my body and my mental health were suffering. I couldn’t help that it was Covid and things were so hard cause I was alone all the time. I was going to tell him... I was going to do the responsible thing I just needed to make sure everything was okay. We had a talk after I refused to be a part of the mar rally wrong thing and I apologized that I wasn’t more professional but that I couldn’t change my opinion on the matter because I was morally unacceptable and would make us look bad, not to mention potentially ruin my reputation as a designer. We worked it out talked it though he told me we wouldn’t bring it up again and that everything was good when I’m actually he was working on getting rid of me. He just needed me to get sign documents from photos I had taken— model release forms. As soon as he got them he fired me. I’m not a victim, I made my choice and I would make the same choice. It’s just going through all that being pregnant and worried I would lose the baby — I was fainting and throwing up for crying out loud and waiting in a hospital room. I know he didn’t know that but he had already decided to get rid of me anyway. I just feel like such a failure and second guessing myself. I was so confident in my career and now it’s over. And I mean it’s actually over. I hurt my arm while I worked for them and now whiteout treatment, I don’t foresee myself getting back into design. I filled a report against them but they’re taking it as me seeking vengeance, but all I want to help to pay for physio till I’m better.

So here I am. Thankfully I got a job right away what a miracle that was. My aunt told me to apply for a teacher on call position. I got it and started teaching Elementry school and I freaking love it. Who knew a marketing business woman would turn into a teacher and after mat leave I plan on going back to school to get certified. I can’t even express how much I love teaching. I know that I am in a better place now then I ever was at that company (my husband and his mom wanted me to quit for a long time because of how crappy it was working there and I wanted to I just got pregnant and wanted to make it till Matt leave — in Canada you can get mat leave for a year or 18months).

My baby is healthy and besides me being in pain and exhausted my life is so good. I have so much to be thankful for. So why am I so sad and anxious? I’m definitely anxious about becoming a mom. I didn’t have a really good childhood. My dad was an alcoholic and abusive. My mom made up for all of it even though she wasn’t supportive all the time, I had a very close bond with her. She died 4 years ago and I miss her so much I wanted her at my wedding and she wasn’t, and now she’s not going to meet my son till heaven. But it makes me worried about how I’m going to be a parent. Which I know is normal for first time moms to worry about. I’ve been listening and reading to parent things. I know it’s all going to work out in the end. I’m not my parents and unlike them, I have an amazing marriage. Honestly, God really came Through when it came to my marriage. I have the most supportive and loving husband a woman could ask for. He’s financially stable, he helps me clean the house, he makes sure I’m okay and checks in often— he’s just so loving and involved— I know he’s going to be an amazing dad. My kids are so lucky to have him as a dad.

Gosh this feels so good to write out and I’m actually going to post it because there is just something about knowing even one person could read my crazy and joy just makes me feel less alone. I talk to my hubby about all of this but my best friend is not in the same stage of life as me and although we’ve managed to stay best friends through it all, I don’t want to pound her with pregnancy issues all the time. That’s not fun! Anyway, writing this out has helped me and if you’ve gotten this far thank you. I just needed someone to talk to who may understand what I’m going through. I feel better now. I want to be excited and happy about becoming a mom I’m tired of feeling sad all the time.