💌❌TW for infertility❌💌

Have you ever experienced the pain in your chest when you feel a deep hurt from something you can’t fix? the memory of your ex, the thought of losing someone you love, the a flashback to a moment you can never relive, PTSD from the trauma of your past. I have experienced this feeling only twice in my life.

Occasion one, being my past relationship. Constantly knowing that no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t fix him. I couldn’t make him the man I needed to love me, and he didn’t want to be. but even then, that pain in my chest was never as bad as the pain I feel now. I feel a hole open in my heart.

Anxiety rushes my chest cavity and its almost as if my heart beats slower, but harder. It beats through pain and agony, for something it thinks it will never have. I can’t control this pain. Nothing I say, or do, no matter how much I convince myself the one thing that could heal this pain may happen someday, it still occurs.

The flowing rush of my blood stream crashing into my arterial walls. The wind that begins to clog my mind and head space. The ferocious heartbreak I feel when I think about pregnancy. The hurt, the pain, the tears, they all come at once. All the Paxil in the world couldn’t solve this pain, it doesn’t. Not even positive, happy go lucky Bunner can cure this pain. With this pain, comes the unnatural disgust for those who don’t have to feel this pain.

The jealousy of those who never had to question wether it was going to happen or not. I envy those who didn’t even have to try, didn’t even want it. I want it so bad, but I can’t create it into existence.

The despising I feel for those who don’t feel this pain makes me sick to my stomach. I know who I am, I love who I am, I created a personality which holds the tongue at nothing, but I will never speak on this.

My weakest insecurity, is my jealousy of those who give birth to happy and healthy babies. When really, it isn’t disgust at all. I want what they have. I want to experience giving the best thing I could ever provide; life. I was made to do this. I was built to be a mother.

My body was created to carry a child and endure the most painful experience with the greatest outcome imaginable. But I have yet to do the one thing I have always wanted. I have accomplished so much in life, and I am extremely happy with every part of it.

But I feel so empty and worthless when I cry tears of jealousy in something I can’t have. I’m scared. I’m terrified that I will never experience that moment. The positive test, the sound of a heartbeat from within my belly, the movements from my little baby growing inside me. The opportunity to create a life with the man I love more than anything in the world.

The happy tears that drown your face post birth. Baby first shots, a little t-ball player, possible go kart racer. Is it me? Am I striping my husband of the one thing we both want more than anything? He thinks its him, which breaks my heart just as much. I would never wish this guilt and pain on my worst enemy.

I can only hope that one day I experience the wonderful memories my mother talks about. The milestones that friends babies reach that I hear about. That I get flowers on mother’s day for being a mom.

That I can stress about a babysitter and check temperatures at 4 am. I can only want it so bad before I give up hope. I can only wish it for so long before I go numb. I can only feel happy for others so much before i have a mental breakdown in the presence of a gender reveal. I know I am not alone, I truly do.

But that doesn’t change my desperate attempt to feel sorry for myself and wonder why I am not worthy. I am reminded at every moment of the one thing I can’t have. The Facebook posts, the gender reveals, the ads for infant clothing.

The “moms only” accounts on TikTok. The coworkers who bring in their newborns. The girl in line at the grocery store with an 8 month bump. The neighbors with car seats in their vehicles. I am reminded of you every single day.

At this moment, I should be doing homework. Working on my career that I have struggled so long to figure out, but all I can think about is you.

You, who simply does not exist. You, that I have created in my mind to fill some type of joke to keep me from developing psychosis.

The you that could be so real, but isn’t. But boy if you were, you’d be so loved. You’d be the pride & joy of mine and your fathers life. You’d be the light of my world, the keeper of all my dreams, the moon and the stars.

Today is my 25th birthday. & all I can think about, is the birthday I should be giving to you when I can’t.