I think I am a narcissist help!!

so ...

-I usually like things to go my way, planned out.

-I care a lot about what others think of me, im kind of obsessed with making myself look better than everyone else.

-I wish bad things upon people like hope they lose their job ect, never to their face only in my mind. I know it sounds evil. Am I evil? I dont know why I do this, i just dont want others to have success and i couldn’t tell you why i think this way... like others succus isnt going to effect mine.. I just want my to be better.

-I think i should be more successful than others and I get upset when others have accomplishments or any kind of succus that I should be proud of. -Sometimes even makes me depressed that others could be better than I am.

-When people do get accomplishments, that may seem better than mine, like a new car or house etc, in my mind i always put it down like mines newer or bigger or mine has this or that, or if its not then i think i wouldnt wanna have thst payment or i hope that person cant pay for it and has to sale it etc..

Deep down I know im not any better than anyone else, I truly wish I didnt feel this way. Its an ugly way to act. I never show it towards anyone, Its strictly a private thing to me where i feel depressed. I dont think I have depression, Iv been reading a lot online & a lot about a narissist decrribes me. Not everything, but quite a bit. I did a little quiz that said i had a high chance to be.

How can I fix myself? Change tge way I feel, act & think? I dont have money to talk to a therapist, I would love to so i could get some good feedback and help but its just not affordable for me right now. I also dont want to be on any medication. I want to just be sble to talk and re-wire my brain to think a different way to myself.

I also read an article sbout how to know if ur dating a narcissist and half of it totally decribed me & how I treat my husband. It made me feel so bad, how does he put up with me?? I need to change my ways. But, I will say i never feel bad when he has success, Its always a proud feeling bc his success is part of my success . anyone have any advice that could help me?!