Why am I so easily replaced?

So I don't really even know how to start this. I am 23 and married to the man of my dreams. He is in the Navy, so he is gone a lot. That's okay, not the problem.

My problem is my parents.

My mom isn't a huge problem; she did something she wasn't supposed to and now is in jail, for a long time. For a long time, I thought she didn't love me because she chose a guy over doing the right thing. But, I know she loves me. She loves me so much, and I don't hate her. I am hurt and sad, but I love her. And I know she loves me.

My dad, on the other hand. I have a lot of childhood trauma that I didn't know about until I went to therapy. And I like to make excuses about my parents because I love them and want them to be the good guys (my dad mostly). I thought because they didn't beat me, it wasn't anything to worry about. But I was wrong. I had to be perfect, or I got punished badly. Like, we all got punished, but this stuff was really bad. My dad was controlling and knew just how to make me feel like the worst human in the world.

After dealing with that for years, I moved out. And he got a girlfriend (my parents got divorced a few months after I graduated from high school). I am very happy my dad found someone that makes him happy. I love seeing him happy. But, I know my dad, and I knew when he got a girlfriend, he would replace us kids. And that was a massive feat of mine. Well, it came true. I have two other siblings, and only one is still in his “family.”

When I moved away, my dad would make me feel bad that I would never come down and see him, but he never once came and saw me. He would text me every few months saying this family said I said this about him and how he didn't know he was such an evil father and how could I when he did so much for me. And all that stuff. I take it I take all of it because I love my dad and don't want to be disowned. But since his girlfriend came around, her daughter is the same age as me, moved in, and doesn't pay rent (I had to pay $600 for a room and only got to eat one meal with them, but I had to clean up after. And I couldn't bring food in the house unless I shared. And even tho I worked 12-hour shifts every day, I have a two-page list of choirs, and my day off it was four pages. Now I understand paying rent and helping out around the house, but that seemed a little crazy). His girlfriend's family redecorated the whole house, which okay whatever. But they are always over there for “family” game nights.

Which okay cool again. I am happy for them. But he is always posting on Facebook how he has never been happier, and his family has never felt fuller or better. Christmas Thanksgiving easter, all the holidays, it's pictures of his new family (just her side and my sister and grandma), and it's always “I love my family, never been happier or had a better family. Best holiday every” it hurts. He got hurt one time and broke his shoulder and other stuff in his arm, but I dont even know all of it because he called his girlfriend's daughter instead of me. He wanted his “daughter” to know. Not because he wanted her at the hospital, not because he wanted her help. He wanted her to know. I found out hours later because my grandma told my aunt, and my aunt told me. I was so upset. I am there in a heartbeat for my dad. For my siblings for my mom. And all my family (my extended family disowned me because I have colored hair, but I would still be there for them). I called him, and he told me that, and my heart broke. I was willing to drive 4 hours to stay with him for his surgery and help out as much as possible. But he didn't want me to because his new daughter was going to do it. I sent him a cute cow stuffed animal and a note saying he has someone to keep him company while his girlfriend is at work. He never said thank you. He wasn't even there for me when I went in for my first surgery when I was sick. He didn't even tell me good luck.

Now, the vast kicker. I got engaged and asked my Dad if he and my sister could come to my wedding. It was going to be really tiny and only a few people there. He asked if his girlfriend could come, and I said I would prefer not. And he told me he wouldn't come because she couldn't be there. But yet months earlier, her daughter was getting married and asked if my dad wouldn't go, and he didn't. That was totally and completely fine. But when I ask, it's not? And then he started lying to me, saying work was crazy. He probably won't get the time off. His car broke down, and the car he was now driving couldn't drive to a different state. Now my wedding was in a different state California, and he is in Oregon. I told him I could pay for his gas or a flight. But he said he wouldn't fly. But he just kept lying and lying and lying. And if I tried to bring up the wedding, he ignored me. I know he is lying because his girlfriend told me he wasn't going because she wouldn't be there. And she didn't want to be the reason he wasn't there.

The two weeks right before the wedding, he would text me saying I kept telling the family that he was a horrible dad. The worst person in the world was never there for me. Treated me like shit. And he didn't understand why I changed so much. The thing is, I don't talk to my family at all, really. He would tell me it made no sense why his girlfriend couldn't come but wouldn't listen to my reason why—just going off on how I was a bad daughter. And made it clear he couldn't drive his car out of the state of Oregon, or he would get arrested. So I just stopped answering. I cried for months wanted my dad to be there. He made me cry every day before my wedding. I had no family whatsoever at the wedding. It was all my husband's family and a few Navy family members. The wedding was amazing; I loved the day. But it did feel more like it was about him than us. Because his mom loves his navy family, and it was just a boys kind of night. Which is fine. I am not complaining. A little sad, but I still liked it.

Fast forward a week after my wedding, my dad is in Idaho on a “family” vacation with all of his girlfriend's family. They drove, the car he said he couldn't leave the state with. All I saw on Facebook was how happy he was with his family. How great his family was. My heart shattered. I feel so abandoned, and I feel so replaced. I want to call him our for all the shit he put me through and how much it hurts. He is so toxic. He got mad that I posted a post on Facebook saying I wish I could talk to my mom. He flipped his shit, but it was about girl things. And he didn't answer when I called him. I will never call my dad out, tell him how he makes me feel. I'll never throw the shit he has done to me in his face. Because I still want him to be happy, I don't want him to feel like a bad person. I don't want to be fully disowned.

I want a parent to love me. I don't understand. I know my mom does, but she made the wrong choices; now, we can't talk. I want to be able to call a parent and cry about how I I'm stressed and lonely because my husband is on a ship in the middle of the ocean, and I don't know where I live at all. I want to feel like I matter. I just feel so replaceable and not enough.

I am really sorry this was long and probably all over the place. I want to talk to someone about it so bad, because I am hurting so much. I am alone. I just wanted to get it off my chest. Thank you.

And idk how much I can talk to my mother-in-law. That's a whole other thing with her and one of my husbands ex. But yeah. Thank you. I am sorry.