Loss and support

I feel like I’m never fulfilled. After my two missed miscarriages I just am never satisfied I can’t ever make decisions. I can’t decide whether I want to be pregnant or not. Some days I really really really want too and then I start to worry and talk myself down from it. Idk what’s wrong with me every time I take a test I’m so disappointed and sad. It’s hard I feel I’ll never be able to carry a little one. I’m 9dpo by the app but I honestly never really know when I’m ovulating. Idk is it too soon to test?