This is just me venting...

I feel like I complain so much on here, but it's the only place I really have to vent.

I've been feeling depressed lately. I believe it stems from being disappointed in so many things lately. My family didn't throw me a shower and only a couple family members have even given anything for the baby. My husband's family threw me a small baby shower and, while I appreciate them for taking the time and effort to do so, I was a bit disappointed.

Everyone kept asking what I still needed for the baby and I would repeatedly tell them I have a registry on Amazon and at Target, and that if they didn't want to order anything then just give me a gift card to either place. Also they kept asking what the nursery 'theme' was and I told them, repeatedly, it was grey and olive green.

Well a few months passed, and I got my baby shower, just a couple weeks ago.

Nothing came off my registries and I only got 1 gift card. Instead I got half-assed personally made 'crib set' consisting of 2 greyish blue crib sheets and a crib bumper of the same color with my baby's name in gold on quilt, no crib skirt. Now, I'm mostly upset about that because I told them multiple times no blue, and the same woman made my stepsons's crib bedding and stuff. His bedding set consisted of 4 crib sheets, quilt, diaper bag, crib bumper, crib skirt, shopping cart cover, and diaper caddy. It makes me feel as though my baby doesn't matter as much.

I got a nicely made blue Mickey mouse quilt as well, not from the same person.

I'm wanting to do cloth diapering so I told literally everyone that I need diaper covers. I got one package of size 12mo plastic pants and a package of Gerber flat cloth diapers, 2 packages of size 2 disposable diapers, and a package of size 1 disposables. 1 waterproof crib mattress pad.

1, 4-pack, of flannel receiving blankets, which I actually do enjoy since two of the 4 are olive green. And a zebra print white and yellowish greenish colored crib sheet.

A package of cotton balls, one of those bulb earwax sucker things, two things of orange 'pedialyte', some 'creamy petroleum jelly', a Christmas Winnie the pooh sleeper in size 0-3 mo, my due date is Dec 28th by the way, a newborn size fleece sleeper, which will most definitely be used, a 0-3 mo camo jacket, a winter hat and actual mittens, not the scratch mittens but real ones, a pair of yellow scratch mittens, some thin 0-3 month socks in brightly colored patterns, and a couple 0-3 month sleepers.

My family, the two people who actually got something for the baby, got us our car seat, a grey chevron crib sheet, two packages of Gerber prefold cloth diapers, a couple 0-3 mo sleeping gowns, a package of size 1 disposables, a blue and white crocheted baby Afghan, and it seems like there was something else but can't remember what. My dad's girlfriend made a baby cape thing but I have not seen it yet, so I'm not sure what it is or looks like. My oldest brother and his wife said they would be giving us something but have not done so as well as my grandmother.

Anyone else who has given us anything has given us second-hand items.

Now, while I greatly appreciate the thought, I have to ask myself, why bother asking what I still need if you aren't going to give us what we need?

Because of not being gifted what we are still needing we have to spend AT LEAST $300-$400 out of pocket and that's narrowing it down to the cheapest and what can't wait a month after birth.

I've compromised on the diaper covers I wanted, the diaper bag I wanted, the crib I wanted, any storage I was needing, the prefold cloth diapers I was wanting, the rock n play/ bassinet, the bottles I was wanting to use for when I decide to let hubby handle some night feedings, getting a breast pump, the colors of the nursery, pretty much everything I've had planned out since the beginning I've had to change.

Yes, I'm jealous because my husband's ex, the baby mama, got to have the experience of being a ftm, and her child being treated like a first child, while my son is already being treated like a second and my pregnancy is being treated as if it werent my first. My husband would tell me he spent this amount and that amount when he was about to have his first son, but this time he hasn't wanted to buy a thing because 'someone else will get it for us at the baby shower'. I get it, financially we're in a different situation than he was with his first, but it still hurts me because it makes me feel like he doesn't care as much since he's been through it before.

He even got irritated at me because I wouldn't allow my 1yo stepson to play with one of the toys that came free with the car seat because I didn't want him to tear it up. And I wouldn't let him climb into the infant seat or beat on it.

My baby's crib was second+hand and is missing a bolt. I can wiggle the front of it because the bolt either needs to be tightened or its missing. Not to mention hubby's mom tried to paint over the top of the railing with flat wall paint and its got dings and scratches all over it. I'd like to buy a new mattress for it but my husband doesn't see the point since the old mattress, and I don't know how old it is, is just fine.

Every time I want to get something or go somewhere to look at getting something for the baby he just about throws a fit saying we don't have any money and yet he keeps buying computer parts. He likes to remind me that he grew up poorer than I did and so I'm just having a hard time adjusting to not being spoiled and whats the point of spending full price on something. I get it, we're poor, we don't know how to handle money when we have it. I just feel like a spoiled brat because I'm stressed out that I didn't get what I was wanting/needing for my first baby and I've had to give up on my hopes of ever getting those things, and now its looking like I'll have to have a csection because I'm pretty sure the baby is breech and I just can't take it anymore. I'm very disappointed and I just want to lie in bed all day and cry because I'm so done.

I feel like I'm being a spoiled, ungrateful brat...😟