I feel like A PIECE OF SHIT

TW: mention of infant loss Okay so, my family is very tight knit like we are with eachother 24/7 until the pandemic began.

My cousins are like my brothers I was raised with them my entire life. One of my cousins, his first born child passed away at 3days old due to a genetic disorder called MCAD. It's a disorder where his body could not turn his food into energy. They had no idea anything was wrong. This is something that SHOULD have shown up on all of his newborn tests but it happened to be Mother's Day so they let them leave on day 2 after birth. And this baby was a beautiful, full term, completely healthy baby who started nursing for his mother immediately so they let her go home a day early because it was Mother's Day. before any of his tests came back. It happened so fast. and it was so devastating I can't even put it into words man like obviously our pain doesn't even slightly compare to theirs because that was there baby and grand baby. That baby is technically my second cousin, but I 100% saw him as my nephew. My nieces were born a month earlier and I was no less excited for him than I was for them. (Twins)

A year later they have another baby, but because of his older brother they knew to test for him immediately. They made a treatment plan that went based on the assumption that he had it before any tests came back.

He does have MCAD as well but the doctors said it's nowhere near as severe as his older brothers was.

They have already talked to me about it like I have screen shots but here's the thing with MCAD. If he gets sick, it can be very bad for him. It's not just a condition that affects his bodies ability to properly handle food and converting it into energy. He basically has a compromised immune system. he can get deathly ill by something small like a cold.

I work in a FREAKING daycare where germs run rampant no matter how much you clean and bleach like it's an impossible battle. I may not be sick, but I'm an adult and could be carrying something that doesn't affect me but would him.

And my cousin and his wife have explained to me that they want me to meet their baby. I had apologized to them for not coming to meet their first born son because in my personal belief after someone has a baby, you don't ask to go see them in the hospital. I believed momma needed some time to heal, learn how to settle in with their baby, and invite me over when 100% ready. and they were like oh my god no just come, and when they asked for me to meet him I was like believe me I want to meet him but if I do I'm wearing a body suit. I'm wearing GLOVES, A MASK, a COVID VACCINE SHOT STICKER.

when my twin nieces were born I went and got caught up on all of my adult vaccines and nobody even asked me to do that lmfao.

And they were like girl, we want to show him off. We want him to meet every single person on this earth that loves him. (Talking about their 2'nd born) We have a doctor who specializes in MCAD and she has told us that if he gets sick we will treat it exactly as any child that gets sick but with just more monitoring.

And I still have it in my gut like if I get that baby sick.. I'll die. Like I won't be able to handle it at all. In no way, in NO way do I want to cause any type of harm to that beautiful baby who is so precious and special because of the loss before him. And gosh he's so awesome.

So I haven't met him. They understand, they send me pics and videos every other day of him and he's so big like he's so CHONKY which is such a good thing. He also was born and started nursing immediately and LOVES to eat. In order to manage his genetic disorder he NEEDS to eat every 2 hours and he is more than happy to. Thank you god, for this healthy boy who loves his food. I think they understand because they've acted no different towards me and go out of their way to update me on him and show him to me.

I feel like a piece of shit. Like this baby isn't even gonna know me even though he means SO MUCH to me. Absent auntie/technically 2nd cousin

I honestly do not think I'll be comfortable until he's a around a year old. At a few years old, MCAD kindof resolves itself and he will have a normal life. I'm just gonna show up like "hi I've always been your family that loves you deeply but I stayed away to help protect you because I love you." And he's gonna be like "who the heck is this."