Hello...

Sorry it’s long but quite a story-

So I’m in my later twenties and never have had children or previous pregnancy. I have had stomach issues and allergies for years so having an upset stomach is nothing new to me. I’ve seen my gastroenterologist and primary care doctor at least once during these past 5 months. I was planning to move to a new state so my boyfriend went first due to a job offer and I was going to work for a little and head over shortly after. June was supposed to be my last month so many friends and coworkers wanted to go out one last time before I left which did involve drinking. Right before I was supposed to leave I got into a minor car accident that ended up getting me stuck for an extra month because my car was in the shop for about 3 weeks.

Well, during July and August I got a cold, a flu, and Covid all within that time. It pushed back my ability to go into work and do my last two weeks. About two weeks ago, I was better after covid and getting to myself again, but noticed my stomach looked odd and my boobs seemed bigger. I was so sick and stressed I didn’t realize my period wasn’t around but I’m also very irregular so nothing new missing two months.

I ended up taking an at home pregnancy test at night... it came back positive right away then decided I’d take the second the following morning. Same thing- instant plus sign. I was freaking out. I visited my boyfriend three weeks prior for two weeks time and couldn’t see how we were pregnant since we used protection. I immediately started calling my OBGYN and got an appointment where the medical assistant who checked me in said maybe 5 weeks tops since I had only gained a pound since my last appointment 6-7 weeks prior. Makes sense, that’s the time I was with my boyfriend. Anyway, Dr comes in and to my absolute surprise while lying on the table I hear 4-5 MONTHS!!

Omg my heart and head are in shock and I could barely speak anymore; the word “months” repeating over and over in my head. I made an appt to get a more accurate measure of the fetus and found out I’m now 21 weeks. I then made an appt for an anatomy scan to see what condition the baby might be in with the huge FEAR that I messed up terribly by drinking and taking medicine.

They told me one of the medications I was on has effects on male fetuses because it lowers testosterone, but there wasn’t human data to say as a matter of fact. The concern is that I drank more than normally and wasn’t taking prenatals or having proper doctor appointments the entire 20 weeks!!

The state I live in allows for termination up to 24 weeks. Please don’t judge me for this... I am torn between keeping it and terminating it but I’m terrified! I finally told my BF once I did the anatomy scan and told him the risks of Fetal Alcohol Syndrome Disorders. The doctor told me the baby is developing normally but there’s no way to tell what effects the alcohol could have done on brain development, if any. The one time I chose to drink more often...and I ended up being about 2 months pregnant with no clue.

I’m scared because abortion would never be a thought, but after not knowing for 20 weeks in scared out of my mind. I had my last drink one month ago. I am now starting to show a little and my BF is being as supportive as possible and doesn’t want to sway me any which way because he feels I can make the best decision based on how I’m feeling. We both know the baby could possibly have issues if we keep it and I know I’ll always feel guilty for that and so sorry they wouldn’t have every same chance compared to a healthy baby. I don’t mean to sound selfish but being that I have 4 months to prepare for a baby and a possibility of a lifetime of hardships, I’m torn between what to do and have a termination appointment scheduled in the next few days just in case. I really want it but I can’t live with knowing I am the reason my child has health problems from FASDs. I’ve been taking prenatals and eating even healthier than i usually do and continue to exercise. I’m terrified and kinda just need some words...

Thank you so much for reading and if you share your stories/thoughts!!!