Feeling lost

I recently got out of a relationship, it was really complicated. On and off for a year, I gave this guy my whole heart and I spent everyday and night with him. We had our fights and the longest we went without talking was a month and I tried getting over him by dating someone else, but I couldn't get him out of my head. I went back and gave him another chance, he played me a lot but he was always great at hiding it or making me feel like I was tripping. But I always knew when something wasn't adding up or if he acted different. We tried the whole friends thing but we always ended up having second or kissing or doing shit friends don't do. My bestfriend past away a year ago and my other girlfriends got boyfriends and I was kind of always left out, he was always there for me he was really the only one I looked forward being with. After a while he never wanted to date and never wanted me that way again, but he still played with my head and made me feel like there was something between us. I let it go and I tried being friends because that's what I relally wanted was a friend I can go to because mine wasn't here anymore, I don't even think I should call that a relationship, it felt like hell. I had all these things I wanted to say and wanted to openly feel with him but I couldn't act on it because to him I was just a his friend that he can have sex to whenever he wanted and would buy him things and would listen to all his dreams goals and fears, I was there when he was crying about his insecurities, he tells me he loves me but he doesn't trust himself, he knows he will hurt me and that's why he won't comit.  BasicAlly I'm so in love with him that being just friends won't work out i get very jealous and don't hesitate to tell him why, which leads to fighting. I stopped talking to him and blocked him off of everything, and this is the first time he hasn't continuously blew my phone up with texts and calls. I miss him and i feel sick to my stomache everyday that I'm not with him. I want to be friends I want him in my life because he means a lot but I don't know what to do. I feel like I need time to just see if my feelings can go away or fade and being friends can work out but I'm also scared that when I call him he'll be completely over me. I'm just sad and heartbroken and lonely, I feel helpless and lost and I've never felt this way before. I'm only 18 and he's 20 so maybe a relationship isn't such a good idea but I want his friendship I just don't know what to do.