High body count

TW sexual abuse/rape

So I know victims of sexual abuse and rape can often have a high sex drive (for lack of actual term, my mind isn’t with it today)

And I was raped a couple years ago, and since then my body count just inclined. I was very lonely, and any attention (meaning sex) felt good, even though what I really wanted was a relationship. My ex was abusive as well which also made me feel lonely. Well, last winter I met the most amazing man, and we are still together. From the beginning of the relationship, I was 100% honest with him, even when he asked my body count. Truth hurts but lies hurt worse. He was a virgin when I met him, and I have been his only partner. He has terrible anxiety but won’t get treatment. Yesterday he told me that it bothers him that my count is high (mid 40’s) (yes I’m ashamed of it too) and he’s been holding it in the entire 10 months we’ve been together. Yesterday we went to the store where we passed someone he almost had sex with, but didn’t, and he said it bothers him wondering how many people we’ve walked by that I’ve done it with (it’s been none, actually)

But now all that’s running through my mind is that he thinks I’m a slut, even though he doesn’t actually say that and said that’s not what he thinks, it still feels like it. I had to leave work early today because I’ve just been crying all night and day. I really regret what I did but I have NEVER been unfaithful in a relationship and I never would with him.

I just don’t know if I’m overreacting by being so upset but I feel so embarrassed and ashamed. I can’t even look at myself