Trigger warning ⚠️

Long, long story warning

I just want women like me to know they are not alone. You do not need to be alone.

It's been a long time since I've made a post on here. But if gone a long way since then. I am now pregnant for the 7th time. I have 6 angel babies in heaven whom i miss every day. When i was 19 years old i got pregnant for the first time. A few days after my first appointment, i started bleeding in the middle of the night. My husband and I ( boyfriend at the time) rushed to the er. They told me i had a uti and to go home. They took blood for testing. I never got those results. I had an ultrasound and was told I was about 7 weeks. When i went to my next appointment my OB mentioned in passing about my bicornuate uterus, like i should already know. When i questioned her she told my not to worry about it and that it explained the bleeding. It had stopped so i didnt question her more. A few weeks later i was back in the er with bleeding and cramps. This time i was told i had a yeast infection. More blood taken. I told them both times that Animia in pregnancy ran in my family.To this day have no clue if i was anemic. I lost a lot of color and looked sickly. I lost weight, and continued to bleed. On the night before i would be 14 weeks, my water broke. I didnt know thats what it was. And since i had been to the er 2 more times and got no answers and already had an appointment the next day, i decided to wait. The ob on staff that day( i had a diffrent dr at almost every appointment) pulled out the doppler like they did every week and we waited eagerly to here our peanuts heartbeat. After a few minuts my ob said he wanted me to go up the the hospital so he could do an emergency ultrasound. Thats when we found out i had been in full blown labor for a couple days. I was having contractions and all. My babys heartbeat had stopped. The foreign man looked at me and all he said is " there is no viable baby" it was friday afternoon, and the surgical team had gone home for the weekend. We scheduled the D and c for monday morning, but the ob called the surgical staff because he knew i was not going to make it till Monday. He was right. I delivered my baby at home at 6:30 am that sunday morning. I woke up to get ready for work and went to the bathroom and felt the oddest sensation to push. My body took over i barley knew what was happening and with tears rolling down my face and 3 pushes my baby was born sleeping. I had my roommate wake my husband who came in to check on me and saw what was going on. He called my mom and all he could say is we need to go to the hospital. My parents where there in minutes. Thankfully they lived up the street. I still had to have surgery to remove the placenta. I was heart broken. And honestly the road has been bumpy ever since. My husband and i married on the day we would have had our sweet angel. It took us years to try again but we did. My first pregnancy after stopping birth control took well over a year and only lasted 6 weeks. The next went on longer in fact it was to the day the same as my first loss. 13 weeks 6 days... i went to the er for heart palpitations which turned out to be a valve closing to early and nothing really to worry about but once again they pulled out the doppler and could not find the heartbeat. This baby was set very far back so the wanted to make sure. They called in the ultrasound tech. Nothing is more heartbreaking than 3 faces looking at you simultaneously and saying im sorry, all in that same fake voice. I burst into tears, screamed, cried, swore. I upset myself so much i gave myself a massive headache and ended up puking. I was alone because i had left work and gone straight to the hospital an hour from home. They didnt let me leave for hours wile they made sure my heart was ok. I didnt care i just wanted to go home. I called my husband and broke the news to him. And asked him to tell my dad and little brother who we where living with. I drove myself home in a soaked car because it had desided to rain and my sunroof was wide open. Thankfully my daddy was waiting at the door for me when i got home. He has never hugged me so tightly in my life closely followed by my husband and brother. All with tears streaming down there faces. My brother and i worked together and he was the one to sent me to the hospital. Im glad ge did it would have been a few weeks till i found out otherwise, instead of 24 hours after my babys heart stopped. I have had 3 early losses since then and am so nervous now. Every time i go to the bathroom or have a cramp my heart drops a little. I have my first ultrasound this Wednesday to find out exactly how far i am and for the first time i am kind of dreading it. I dont want them to tell me that there is something wrong with my baby. I am so scared and i try so hard not to show it but that is just causing me more stress. I juat want this one to be healthy. NEED this one to be healthy. I dont know if i can put myself or my family through this again.

Thank you for letting me share.

I hope i will finally get my rainbow baby.

I hope you all do too ❤