Staying with - loving an abuser aka Me

I come from an abusive home. Was never taught basic concepts of life and behavior. I have had 2 longtime bfs before my husband and they both told me when we broke up that they only stayed with me for the way I looked and how I was in bed. That hurt a lot.

When I met my husband I was still the same mean person and he put up with a lot of crap from me; but he knew how to respond to my behaviors. I would scream and yell at him and he would not say anything. I would tell him his silence would drive me mad and to respond and he would say "tell me what you need to hear to calm down, but we will talk only when you are calm". I was scared to drive and he gave me his old car to use, he encouraged me to get over my fear, even though I would yell at him for "making me" drive, when I was the one who had asked for his help. I did not know how to cook, clean, keep a budget, how to keep a job and every time I would ask for his advice, he would give it to me and I would just scream back at him or try to invalidate it but then I would do it anyway because I knew he was right. But I did not want him to feel better than me, so I wanted to cut him down. But he was, is, better than me! I wanted to see how far I could push him until he broke and become abusive, yell back or hit me. But of course he never did. Anyway, I worked a lot on myself and try to keep myself in check and hope I am not like that anymore.

My sister is and I was trying to give examples of how my husband helped me and how he put up with me and I told her also things she could do to control her temper and she said of course my husband would never leave me, I am so much more beautiful than him. He would have put up with anything. I know she said this to hurt me, but it hurts.

I asked my husband why he put up with me for so many years when I was like that and he said because he loved me. But what was there to love? And he said I don't know; maybe you put a spell on me. I waited my whole life for you and was not gonna let you go. I pressed on and he said when you were loving, you were very loving.

And I am very terrified now. Did he stay for my looks only? Those fade...Was it trauma bond? So again, he will leave me once he realizes the abuse and he has not realized how bad I treated him? Help!!!!

EDIT: I am in therapy. I started when I was dating my husband.

@Briabella: Good. He FT his parents every night to see how they are and has group chat with them; basically sends them pictures of places we visit and things like that.

@ashley: from what I know and have heard from his family and himself a good one. No abuse.

@Esmeralda: That is a great idea about your husband going to therapy. I'll talk to my husband to see if he would go too. It's a bit nerve racking. What if he realizes then I am a worse person than he thinks? But that's not a healthy attitude from my part. I recognize that. I want him to be happy. Thank you.