Emotions I don't know what to do with

Samii • SaMiizuSama

Brewing me, I am going to try and not ramble. Some info that will help with the story and question is I grew up Mormon and waited to do anything with anyone until I met my fiancé.

My fiancé and I have been dating for 8 years and are engaged to be married next year. I love him with all my heart and all info I am about to give does not change anything between us, I just need help on how to handle these emotions.

Over the last 8 years I believed my fiancé had never done anything with any of his exs. I never really asked or if I did he would give a round about answer. I always assumed that meant he did just not a lot (he was in a long term long distance relationship before me that was really complicated and kinda plays into my emotions) within the last year it did come out that they messed around one of the times they actually got to see eachother in person. Never went all the way. Just young dumb teenage messing around. He was in love with her at the time and I was only a friend. We both lost our virginity to eachother, she was just the one that messed around with him first.

My conscious thoughts are it happened over 10 years ago with a girl he thought he was in love with and it no longer matters, he is in love with me and we are getting married (we have a house and cars and have been living together for 8 years now) but I still have these gut wrenching feelings that I really don't understand, like now I have competition in the bed room or I have to compare my self to this girl or just feelings of im not good enough.

He never has compared us or says anything to make it seem like I need to compete and constantly tells me that he loves and appreciates me. I don't know if it's religious trauma and how sex is shamed in the church I grew up in or sexual trauma manifesting funny or if I just feel left out or jealous.

Either way I feel horrible one cuz these thoughts keep coming up and making me feel worthless over something that happened years ago and I don't want to talk about it with him because that relationship he was in ended badly and he wants to leave it in the past and move forward.

I feel awkward with these feelings because sex is a big part of most relationships in or out of high school and if i was with anyone else there Def would have been more that went on besides high school shenanigans and I hate that I don't know how to just move past this.