I dont know if it has something to do with me weaning 3 weeks ago. But am just sad and have no interest in anything or anyone.

Am almost 6 weeks pregnant.

For a while now I haven't felt like talking to people and finally I got off all social media including WhatsApp.

Furthermore, I just lost my job which came with health insurance benefits now I have to pay my own insurance, with no income.

I am writing my thesis and that too is quite a lot.

My toddler is at home with me now as I can't afford daycare so I thought maybe I finish this thesis before I get another job since juggling 3 things is seeming harder with pregnancy fatigue. Am currently living on my savings. Which now is less than 2000.

My husband, who works away from home, hasn't been caring for a very long time but being pregnant makes it even more irritating. He will send only one text a day even on weekends. I have told him this so many times and I guess I gave up. Now my weakness is when I feel neglected or sidelined, I withdraw within myself now I don't want to talk to him or anyone.

I have explained to everyone family and friends what am going through and haven't gotten any tangible help. Sometimes some don't even listen. One friend told me one day I will be a certified engineer soon, earn 10 times more and my problems will end so I shouldn't complain but the problem is untill then, am struggling,now. The last person I talked to was my dad at our lunch meeting and he rather found buying me a winter jacket of 100bucks more appropriate. I feel like returning it and using the money for more essential needs. Meanwhile he is flying to Cuba for his 3rd or 4th vacation this year. I cant help but feel frustrated when my family n friends boast of their vacations yet am thinking of if I will have rent next month. I would never do that to my friends. Even when am not having lots of money, if I know someone is at the verge of eviction I will share with them the little I have. I have done it for almost all the people I told of my situation. Not even one can even lend me anything. Right now I don't even feel like talking because help won't come from anywhere.

My husband usually sends me 200 to take care of our son per month but last 3 months he was hard up so he ended up using all the money on our son's account. He was telling me he is expecting money and I can use it to pay for health insurance. I told him that money usually is to help cater for our son's needs like diapers, milk, clothes, medicine, which have increased since weaning so he can't think it is what I should use it for insurance. Moreover it is never enough and I foot the bigger bill for our son but I never complain. I had kept the money on the card for rainy days but he felt he can use it. It just makes me sad.

Am so tired and have no help with my toddler. When I go grocery shopping, am carrying him and all bags alone if he doesn't cooperate to walk (still perfecting it) and I keep thinking. You are pregnant and carrying heavy. I cant leave him in the house alone to make the multiple trips to the car as am alone.

I feel cheated. I remained a virgin till marriage just not to risk getting pregnant for a man who would run but here I am, married and a single mother in all aspects.

Today for the first time I thought maybe I could end my son's and my life and I am not going to do it but the thought came to me. It had never come to me since getting pregnant. This is when I realised my emotional state might be tougher than I thought. The worst part of it all is if I killed us, everyone would realise how much I was struggling and how many times I tried to talk but no one listened but it would be too late.

Since I can't talk to anyone (that is how I feel), and I really need encouragement, I decided to post here. Please I know I shouldn't think suicide so I don't need tough love here. The last thing I need is someone to bash me. Am going through more than I could write so have some grace.