What do you consider as cheating?

Question

What do you consider as cheating in a relationship or marriage? The reason I ask is because I don’t know if I could say that my husband is cheating or not? So many times I have found messages of my husband flirting with other women. He always apologises and he says that he is just being “friendly”. He claims it isn’t cheating. Yesterday I saw a lot of porn videos on his phone. This is the same man that for six years of marriage, he keeps saying that he does not watch porn, he does not want porn in our marriage and does not want me watching porn. This is the same man that was very upset with me when he discovered that I own a sex toy and he told me that he does not want us to introduce any sex toy in our marriage. He says “I want us to enjoy each other. Just us two. Nothing or nobody else”. Why is it okay for some men to be like this but if we are, it will be a big problem. I haven’t spoken to my husband about what I saw on his phone yet. All he would do is apologise and I am to just move on. Are his actions not considered as cheating?
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For reference, my husband is a strong Christian believer

Answer

I'm sorry...you can't really consider your lying controlling husband a good Christian man....right?

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your husband is lying to you so id consider that cheating among being abusive and controlling

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I would feel betrayed if it was me. I don’t think porn is cheating, but his double standard of porn is problematic. The flirty texts are an issue, it’s not “just being friendly” and I would worry if and when it starts to go beyond texts. I would also have a very frank conversation about boundaries and expectations. He may not think it’s “cheating” but if you express that those actions are not ok with you then hopefully he’ll respect that.

Answer

Cheating is different for different relationships. For our marriage porn, flirting and entertaining flirty conversations with people of the opposite sex is not ok for us. 
And for your hubby being a strong Christian, he should absolutely know better; the Bible tells him that he should be putting no other women before his wife. I think he’s trying to excuse his bad behavior

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Cheating is whatever the people in the relationship have discussed and agreed is cheating. Some people don’t even count having sex with another person as cheating. It sounds like you haven’t had that conversation with your husband and you need to asap. 
For my relationship, cheating is anything sexual (whether physical or virtual) that should require consent to occur. IE sending nudes-cheating. Receiving unsolicited nudes-not cheating. We are also very sex positive, and it is important to us that sex workers are supported. Therefor, paid porn like OF or other sites is totally fine. Only boundaries we have around that is that we don’t request specific videos, we don’t purchase tangible items, and we don’t watch anyone we know personally. Flirting isn’t cheating for us-we both grew up in the south. Living in CA now, I think a lot of my behavior comes off as flirtatious when really it’s just how I act lol.

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If my husband was watching porn I wouldn’t consider that cheating. If he’s flirting with other women, I do consider that cheating. I guess it just depends on what boundaries you’ve set for your relationship.

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It sounds like he is absolutely cheating based on the rules you both have talked about within your marriage. He is breaking those rules and it is not okay for him to force rules on you and not follow them himself.

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My ex boyfriend is my ex for exactly these reasons.

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Given the circumstances of your relationship, and his previous attitudes, yes that is a betrayal. It probably is at least close to cheating in your relationship.
I don't consider it cheating at all, but you had talked about it before, and established it was wrong for either of you in the relationship. 
The talking to other people thing is more confusing, because we can't control who our partner talks to, or shouldn't, but they should not go around just flirting with people if "nobody else" should be involved in your sex life- I feel like flirting or being friendly can be a blurred line, however. I think when I'm talking as a friend or like someone and want to flirt is basically indistinguishable unless I send hearts that aren't blue lol 
So I think, yeah he shouldn't flirt, but how are we sure he was? I'm assuming you know your husband well enough to have an idea- if he's a better flirt than I am 🙃 
I don't think it's fair for him to be controlling of your sexuality and shame you for having a sex toy, and then turn around and be dismissive when you are upset he went against the standards he set for the relationship. It sounds like he's not a great communicator? Perhaps he could stand to grow in that area. You can't just brush problems under the rug because he is unwilling or unable to discuss things and expects immediate forgiveness. 
While I do like to, and generally advocate for letting things go, that doesn't mean it's okay for your partner to expect you just to forget and not talk about it. I'm also wondering because of you saying he'll be dismissive, if he is too sensitive to any criticism and unabke to own up to his actions meaningfully. Because yes these are things he should work on in order to build healthier relationship skills. 
Good luck sorry for rambling

Answer

I wouldn’t say the porn is cheating BUT double standards and the lying is 💯 unacceptable. I agree with the other comments that he seems controlling. I wish you the best.

What do you consider as cheating?

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