On Halloween my ex bf broke up with me because I did something stupid. I gotten drunk, and said and did somethings that I either regretted or don't remember doing. When he broke up with me he basicaly told me that everyone in his life hates me, and thinks that I am crazy. After he broke up with me I cried and took a long walk from 5am-1pm without my phone, keys, or ID. For 2 weeks I went through the emotions of feeling sad, angry, and empty. Not even a day after our break up he had threw away all of my stuff that I left at his house, and he never replied back to me when I wanted to get closure. After that I slowly started feeling better and promised myself to get some help. I am still in the process of doing that. I feel much happier now than I did in the relationship, so I think. Looking back I realized we were not good for each other at all. He constantly gaslighted me, and tried to change me from the way that I looked to how I styled my hair. On my end I constantly lied to him and myself by telling him what he wanted to hear and try him make him happy. In return I made myself believe I loved him despite our political differences, our overall personalities, and anything in between. I keep telling myself I am done and over with him however I keep thinking about him. He was my first everything. Part of me wants him to see how better I am doing without him while the other part of me wants to talk to him and air out my feelings. Part of me wants him back but I know it will only cause me pain. I want him to actually listen to how I truelly felt during and after the relationship. On Christmas, I had a dream that he called me but I was with my fwb. So in the dream I called him later but he didn't answer. So I stupidly unblocked him in rl on Christmas and at 8:26pm he texted me "hey". I wanted to cry and get angry bc after 2 months now he wants to contact me? Anyway I replied with "?" and an hour after that he still didn't reply back. This got me angry so I sent him another message where I said "If this is one of those test to see if I will text back and you don't text me back please don't bother me". He did not reply back. My question is why do I still think of him? How can I stop? Am I in the process of moving on? Do I still want him? Is this me trying to get back closure or something like that? What can I do?