Grief sucks

The 12th of next month marks 3 years he’s been gone.

I needed to get sleep, but my son was asleep and I just been bottling it up for so long. I won’t cry around him. He is 3 and a half years old, and I maybe broke down 2 times in front of him. I can’t stand to let him see me cry. So, I usually wait until he goes to bed.

I started playing songs that remind me of my late husband. I made a playlist to share to his Facebook page on his heavenly birthday. Some of the songs are:

If I would’ve known - Kyle Hume

Lost without you - Freya Ridings

Save a place for me - Matthew West

Far from Heaven - Evanescence

Open Arms - Journey

I know he can’t really listen to them, but I feel he will know somehow.

I’ve just been crying. For hours. My eyes sting. I wish I could just have one good night of sleep. Instead of tossing, turning, worrying that when I wake up, someone else will call me and give me bad news again. Therapy hasn’t helped much. My mom has expressed concerns over me not getting enough sleep, because there are days when I won’t sleep at all (usually when I don’t hear back from one of my parents that day) and I just don’t want to wake up to bad news, which I know is inevitable at some point.

I don’t want to cry anymore. I haven’t slept good since he died. I’m tired. I’m tired of doing it all alone. I don’t have any friends. My body is always hurting. I’m always stressed. I’m always scared. And I’m just so tired all the damn time...