I’m 22 and I’m not allowed to visit my bf

Backstory my mother never let me go and visit my boyfriend because of where he lives (new York) and she would have a huge tantrum if I even asked. We’ll this December my mother passed and yes it’s been really hard on me and my father.

My boyfriend is always the one to visit instead cause I can never go to him I’ve never even met his family and we’ve been together for 5 years.

Doing the long distance thing is causing a strain on our relationship recently and we don’t get to see each other much in person, so I’d thought id go and visit him at the end of February. I asked my dad if I could just go for literally the weekend Friday-Monday But my dad has said no I can’t do that it’s too soon and he has to protect me and that he’s still grieving. I kinda said I feel like I’m being punished for where he lives and how our lives our going. I also said I don’t have to ask permission but I was just asking out of respect cause he told me to tell him everything. But he said I wouldn’t be able to survive without him and I don’t want to “play that game”.

I’m feel like I’m going crazy I just wanna live my life with my boyfriend already but I feel like I can never do anything, I’ll be 23 in a couple of months I feel like I’m wasting my life just sitting around waiting for something to happen. I live in states myself, He’s not across the ocean or in some country where I can’t understand the language.

What the hell can I do.