Have I Become Negative?

There have been 3 or 4 times over the last 24 hours that I felt pregnant again. But I have this loud inner voice telling me not to get excited. Since my miscarriage last July ... optimism is a thing of the past.

I feel so frustrated with everything right now. I'm 43 and I bet I have more grey hair than healthy eggs. The realist in me thinks that it's not rational to keep ttc. But the mother in me never stops thinking about it.

I have only told 3 people in my life about it at all. But we dont discuss it. I think part of me is angry that i was 12 weeks and no one in my life mentioned it except my neighbor and her daughter. I mean its dumb to hold it in. . . But I feel like everyone is so self-absorbed they dont hear me anyway. Unless, we are talking about them.

Idk. Its 2:30 am and I cant turn my mind off. I dont think I can handle another month of getting my period. I wish my mom were still alive.