I just so numb 😭

So to start off I have been dealing with PCOS since I was 10 yrs old I'm 23 now I have a son and I am trying for another I've had 3 miscarriages in the last year. My baby sister had her first baby on the 13th and I am so happy for her and that her little girl is finally here but I feel so numb and angry and sad and part of me know why but another part of me doesn't and I'm going to go see the baby here soon and I know I'm going to cry my eyes out. I want to have another so badly that I would do anything I want more babies I want a little girl I want to give my husband more babies and give my son siblings and part of me feels like it's never going to happen.😭😭😭