Why..

I was genuinely happy 3 yrs ago after getting into a serious relationship with my high school sweetheart. Things were going great until after nearly one year of dating everything changed. We broke up 4 times and the 4th one is still fresh and painful….I went through so much in this relationship and it came with the best and worst moments of my life. From getting sexually assaulted by a fake friend to even going through a miscarriage..I’m not even sure why I deserve to go through with this and if I’m strong or weak

First time: we were manipulated by someone interfering with our relationship and the person ended up sexually assaulted me

Second time: my college plans were getting somewhere but we couldn’t figure out what to do

Third time: after finally deciding to go to a college right where I can still live with my parents and continue my relationship it still seemed not enough and we worked nonstop and rarely saw each other

Fourth time: after our third break up we decided to not see each other for one month to give each other space and yet after the month passed he acted hypocritical and his feelings came back immediately and we had an unlabeled relationship that came with advantaged sex and romantic moments but it ended horribly when after the last time we slept (the day before Valentine’s Day) he lied to me and didn’t tell me that he went out with another girl on Valentine’s Day rather than me.

Im feeling devastated and hurt constantly….I’m scared and alone….and the one year anniversary of my traumatic miscarriage is coming and only to haunt me of guilt and regret