IS THIS NORMAL AFTER AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP

It wasnt the typical abusive shit you hear about. It was like a movie.

I was in a mentally, emotionally, and psychologically abusive relationship. I mean it was abusive on the level that he was aware of what he was doing and studying psychology books to figure out how to manipulate me psychologically And it worked. He also shot me up with drugs in my sleep. He literally tried to get me addicted to drugs. I woke up to needles in mg arms. He also hit me, he didn’t beat on me but I would wake up to being hit too. He also raped me multiple times. This man was a total con artist and he went from the perfect man to the actual fucking devil. And he told me days before I left him “when I met you, you were so kind and innocent and I couldn’t wait to destroy you. You were a toy to me that I couldn’t wait to break.” And his goal was to literally destroy me and make me so weak that I would never ever be able to leave. He wanted me to hate myself and think myself below him.

I’m telling you this because I need you to understand that I was fucking brain washed by this mf and tormented and fed hard illegal drugs against my will. I need you to know what I went through.

What he didn’t bet on is that I would just end up snapping mentally and feeling nothing and packed all my shit and left one day without a single tear in my eye. I waited for him to go to work and I had my shit packed and was gone in an hour. I barely even remember leaving, that’s how little I felt about it. He had absolutely driven me past my breaking point. I literally had a mental breakdown the night before I left him. I remember the moment where I just snapped and felt nothing anymore. His abusive words no longer held any power. I remember looking at him as he verbally berated me and I felt absolutely nothing. I had this “high” while it happened too. I remember his voice being drowned out by nothingness. It was literally like I was floating and seeing everything, but I was gone.

He begged me to come back. I did not care obviously.

And I’m out on my own now. Have been for a while. I am concerned, because I still feel nothing.

I thought I just needed to heal. But I am so numb.

It’s not like I’m suffering or anything, I’m not in pain clearly but I want to go back to the person I was before I met him. I was so genuine then. I was full of love. Now I feel completely empty.

I wanted a happy home, a husband, I wanted kids. Now I want for nothing but basic needs. All I actually care about is survival. Eat, work, sleep, repeat. I literally don’t care anymore. The reason I left is I thought to myself “this man is going to fucking kill me.” And so I simply left. I’ve had a few men show interest in me and even went on a date with one of them out of boredom and he’s very sweet and probably a very good man.

But I don’t have any emotions so I mean you know how that played out.

I wish I had proof of the shit my ex did to me. I don’t.

But even if I did, I am so emotionless that I wouldn’t have the ambition to go after him. No, I don’t think I’m unsafe. I am armed, and he has too much to lose to come after me. I moved over an hour away from him.

So although I don’t feel fear and don’t give a shit, he will be shot on sight if he gets balsy enough to come after me and try to kill me.

If you’re anti gun I literally don’t care I woke up to this man injecting drugs into my body with no warning or consent. He hasn’t bothered me the whole time I’ve been gone other than begging me to come back. I blocked him on everything and he’s left me alone.

Is this normal? Can someone explain what happened to me mentally and why I am like this and if I will ever go back to normal?