Help, advice, anything? I’m so lost

I don’t even know where to start. I’m so sad. My whole pregnancy was miserable. Not because I was sick or anything, but because the father of my child mentally and physically abused me. He would constantly grab my arms and even put me in a choke hold. When I wanted to speak to him about the baby he told me to “talk to god”. He would constantly tell me he was single and laugh at me when I would be sad after he would be talking to multiple women. Why didn’t I leave him you ask? Because I would be homeless. I had enough money for food at the time but I didn’t have enough money for a home. I put myself in harms way for a place to stay.

He got a bit better when it was around the time to have our baby. For a month straight, he took me on dates, cuddled me while we slept, and would tell me how much he loved me, and was so excited about the baby. I was so ecstatic that I pushed all the memories and thoughts of him abusing me out of my head.

I had a 27 hour labor with 2 failed epidurals. It was a pretty intense time in the hospital. All was good until he called me a “f*****g b**ch” because I wanted the baby to have my last name. He ended up getting his way and the baby now has his last name because I was scared.

It’s been 4 months since my precious sunshine has been born and I am loving every minute of it. She is the light of my life. My reason. Her father hasn’t changed his ways so much. He’s still mentally abusive and threw me into a wall a couple weeks ago. He calls me a bum, lazy, makes fun of my physical appearance, and is constantly demanding things from me.

I make sure he has dinner, I clean his clothes, I take care of our baby, and I make sure the place is tidy. Once again, I’m only here because I don’t have another place to go. It’s wearing on me. I have never been depressed but I find myself to be upset and unhappy all the time when he’s around. I dread him coming home. His mother lives with us here. She called me a bitch and threw a box of donuts at my stomach when I was pregnant and called me fat. When they are both home I stay in the room with my baby. He doesn’t give me keys because he doesn’t want me leaving. I am going to be getting a job soon. I see more for myself than staying somewhere being attacked constantly. I was raised to be strong and I’m at the lowest point in my life. I live in MD. Does anyone know of any organizations or programs that can help me while I get on my feet? I mentally can’t take this anymore.

Sincerely,

A broken first time mom