I’m terrified of my child starting preschool

I’m a sahm and my youngest will be 3 in August. When I started staying home, it was discussed between me and my husband that I would go back to working when he was older/in school, but we didn’t really specify an exact time frame. However, I know we will probably start him part time in a 3 year old preschool program this fall, and I know that will mean I will probably be heading back to work (at least on a part time basis, I’m not sure since he’ll probably only go 2 days a week for a couple hours).

I’m terrified. Not of going back to work - I’ve always been a harder worker and enjoyed working. But I’m terrified of being away from my son. I know he’ll benefit from starting preschool, but the longest I’ve been away from him since he was born in just a couple hours. And it’s not him I’m worried about coping, it’s me.

You see - I’ve struggled with some depression on and off for the last year. It’s not bad, I have gone to counseling and I am on a low dose medication. And usually I’m fine. But thinking about these changes coming up instantly makes me start to tear up and I get a tight feeling in my chest almost like I can’t breathe. Being with my little guy sometimes seems to be the one thing that gets me through every day. I feel like I was meant to be a stay at home mom. It’s what makes me happy. I truly love every part of it. And I’m so scared that when he starts school, that’s going to be ripped from under me. I see all these other moms who continue staying home until their kids are older, like well into grade school, and I wonder why that couldn’t be my situation. We can easily afford for me to stay home, finances are not an issue at all. But I don’t think my husband will let me not return to work and deep down I know it would be selfish of me to even ask or expect that could happen. I just can’t help but feel like the life I have come to love and feel I was made for is coming to an end soon and I am not handling it well.

I don’t know really what I’m looking for from this post…mainly just venting I guess. So if you read through it, thank you.