Anxiety rant

I’m really, really anxious about leaving my toddler for the delivery of my new baby. I’ve never been away from him for more than an hour only a handful of times. He’s really attached to me and if I’m being honest I’m really attached to him too. I’m sitting here crying because I just want to have a quick delivery and be home to my son & husband but i’m scared I’ll need another c-section & need to stay for a longer period of time. They told me I have a 40% success rate for delivering vaginally. I don’t believe them but I also feel a bit discouraged by that. I told my husband I want him to stay home with my son and that I’ll go to the hospital alone so our son won’t have to be away from

BOTH of us. I just don’t want him to be traumatized or deeply upset by both of his parents suddenly going away. He’s 22 months old, really smart & remembers everything. No one understands me, they keep telling me he won’t remember & that it’s no big deal but I have so much fucking anxiety about this and it’s manifesting as anger. It doesn’t help me at all to say “he’ll be fine.” Because what if it’s not JUST him, what if it’s me that won’t be fine? I want him to be okay and most importantly happy.

My biggest concern is how he’s going to sleep at night without me. He’s never slept in his own bed or crib, he always sleeps right next to me. So how is he going to feel when I’m not there? 😭😭😭

I have no idea how this delivery & hospital stay is going to go. I just want to skip it or stop it but I can’t and then I feel guilty for feeling that way because I SHOULD feel excited about the baby I’m about to have. All I feel is anxious & angry. Angry because no one truly understands how I feel and I feel ostracized in my mental health like people I know always assume I’ve got a better handle on it than I actually do. Therapists always think I can handle more than I can. Inside I feel so weak & helpless I’m not this strong person I appear to be and right now in this moment of weakness I just want one person to actually understand what I mean and that I’m simply not okay and not able to handle not being okay.