6 weeks 2 days brown discharge and cramping then noticed small clots.

Yesterday was my 3rd day at work. I’m a NICU nurse. When I noticed I was having some brown discharge in the morning. I attributed it to implantation bleeding and was not too concerned. Throughout the day I noticed the more I was doing/standing, the cramps would come and go more and more often. Every time, I went to restroom I would wipe. Light brown turned to dark brown and then pink tinged blood with dark red clots appeared. That along with continuous cramps led me to tell my charge nurse. Immediately my Director stepped in, put me into an L&D room and the Hospitalist OB doctor agreed to check me and baby out. At first she did a digital and speculum exam. She said my cervix was closed and she saw no sign of active bleeding. Only old blood and clots which could be the reason for the cramping. They drew stat labs and ordered a transvaginal ultrasound. She was hopeful; and her reassurance gave me hope. My labs came back and my HCG levels were 12,000. She said, that was a very good sign and assured me that with those levels, she was certain she was going to be able to see a baby and heartbeat with a transvaginal ultrasound. Since then, the bleeding almost stopped and cramps were coming and going….again, the doctor, my coworkers, and me were all hopeful this was just a little scare. The doctor told me she was going to be right there when they did the ultrasound and can honestly say, my director and the team all treated me as priority and family. Ultrasound arrived… my placenta looked great, the sac/lining was thick, and the baby (fetal pole) was there. I saw our little baby. They kept scanning and the doctor was looking and looking and the tech was changing views on the screen from normal to the mode where you saw the blue and red colors on the screen (blood flow). Back and fourth. Around the baby, on the baby… I became concerned that they were quiet and so I asked “is the baby ok?”. The doctor walks over to me and places her hand on my shoulder and says… “Everything looks good, and the baby is there; but the baby has no heart beat”. My heart shattered and as I looked back at the screen the tech showed me the blood flowing all throughout my womb except on the baby. They kept trying different angles, and would check for a sound of a beat. Over and over again…

My baby was gone.

I came home knowing the baby I wanted so badly was dead inside of me and their was nothing I could’ve done to change that. The thought of having to induce terminating it and expelling it was by far, the most devastating feeling. I didn’t have words to explain to my husband how I feel. Just tears and disbelief.

I woke up this morning having bad constant cramps. I was afraid to look under the sheets. I called my OB and explained my situation and needing to be seen sooner. I read blogs and comments on here that gave me hope my baby could still be alive. Theirs still a chance and I wanted to hang onto that.

But as soon as I got out of bed, I noticed blood stain on my sheets. I went to the rest room and soon realized I was not only bleeding heavily now, but passing large clots. And just like that, the glimmer of hope dwindled.

Today has been by far the hardest day. Greyson turned 4 today and his mommy couldn’t even bring herself to wish him a happy birthday. I just kept replaying in my mind his explanation to RyRy that “theirs a fishy in mommy’s belly”. Him telling grandma mommy has a “boy fish, no! Monster fish” in mommy’s belly…. And how from one day to the next I went from being the happiest pregnant mama. To this.

All I ask is for prayers. For God to bring me comfort. For the courage to just keep going and finding a way to live with this as being a part of my story and life journey.