Need to vent…

I just wanted someone to talk to without sullying our reputations w friends and family… my husband says I find something to be mad about every day.. and maybe that’s true. We’re both under a lot of stress w fourth baby on the way and trying to buy our first house when we currently only really have my very small income. He’s getting a business going that he thinks is gonna be super lucrative and right now my name is on the business as the owner. Today he wanted to tell me at breakfast how he had thought about it and how if we got a divorce I’d get everything and he said he’d be okay w that bc he could just start over. But he wouldn’t have to pay me alimony or child support bc I would make more than him on paper. I was offended by that and said something under my breath to the effect of you should still have to pay alimony and child support. And then he went to explain how it works legally which I don’t think either of us is completely sure about it, and I said i think this conversation is counterproductive so I’m just gonna step out of it now bc it’s sewing seeds of dissension. And he said you’re right this is counterproductive but I just was trying to explain that I’d make sure that you were well taken care of not like one of those husbands who tries to post nup everything they do. I think he might have even said “I’m supposed to get a thank you” to which I said “no those guys are supposed to get punishments and everyone else taking care of their wives is doing what they should be doing.” And he said “it’s a lot of men…” and I said “and I hope they get what’s coming to them and die.” And then i turned to stop my son from playing w the window and didn’t say anything else to my husband and he said “You find something to get mad about every day.” And then I kept talking to him trying to explain how I had tried to exit the conversation several times and he stonewalled me looking at his phone as if I hadn’t said a word. Then I went in the other room and he says “you know you’ve just spent the last five minutes arguing w yourself right…”

I’m just really upset because I feel like I can’t have good days. I am mad at something every day like he said. I’m going to see a psychiatrist on Tuesday but really want a counselor or something and just haven’t had luck finding one that’s affordable and not booked out for six months. I’m struggling emotionally for sure. And maybe what I said about hoping that men who don’t take care of their wives die—idk maybe I shouldn’t wish that on people…I told him yesterday that I just want to feel special like pregnant special, like where he gives a little extra grace if I’m grumpy or have a complaint, or if my reaction to something seems a little extra compared to the thing I’m reacting to.. Im super happy about having another baby. I just wish I was enjoying this more and I feel kind of guilty or like ungrateful for feeling this way when I know how hard it has been for some ppl to have one child and this is our fourth.. And he’s not a bad guy, I just can’t seem to get my point across.