Are we snobs?

My husband’s family is phenomenal, particularly his sister. She (let’s call her Ashley) and I are very close, and we consider each other to be “long distance best friends.”

Recently, she got married to her longtime boyfriend (let’s call him Jake) who has a shaky relationship with my husband and I.

He’s not a bad guy, but I do feel like he starts a lot of drama. Jake is a dog trainer and doesn’t make very much money in his position. He’ll make scenes over things involving gifts or money (perhaps insecurity-driven), for example, accusing my husband of “showing off” if we pay for dinners out or offer to buy their plane tickets to visit us. He also got upset with me for buying them a more expensive version of an item from their wedding registry.

Last week, I flew out to the city that they live in for business and decided to stay for the weekend to spend time with Ashley. My company paid for my downtown hotel room through Monday, so Ashley and I had planned on having a spa and booze girl’s weekend there. Last night, I went to pick up Ashley at their house, and Jake didn’t acknowledge me. She whispered “he’s mad about where we’re staying.” Ashley suggested we all go out to dinner to cheer him up.

I picked up on the fact that Jake thought I had booked an expensive hotel to “show off” so I made sure to mention at dinner that it was expensed by my company. Jake said “HUH HUH HUH your big corporate job… do they pay for your mortgage too?” I replied “I guess technically they do,” laughing, and Jake got visibility angrier. Ashley and I changed the subject to talk about the food.

I’m a vegan, but I will eat seafood and some other animal products when I’m out at a non-vegan restaurant. That said, I’m sensitive about where fish and animal products are sourced from, so I usually ask where the fish was caught, etc. That’s why, when I decided to order swordfish at this seafood restaurant with Jake and Ashley, I asked where and how the swordfish was caught.

Jake got PISSED and started mocking me. “Only rich people get tight over swordfish, like who fucking cares if it came from China or whatever? Just eat the fish!”

I defended myself, saying that it’s not a “class thing,” but an environmental thing. I explained to him that the BECAUSE meal was in fact, expensive, I felt that I had even more right as a consumer to ask where it had come from. Ashley, in agreement, talked about how she always buys Vital Farms eggs for the animal welfare concern. Jake probably felt ganged up on, and Ubered home without finishing his drink and food.

Ashley left my hotel room this morning early, apologizing to tell me that Jake is mad at her and that she probably won’t be able to spend another night with me. She called me crying from her Uber ride home “I’m so torn, he thinks all of us are so snobby but I don’t think we are, and he says he doesn’t like how I act when I’m around you and Brad…” (brad is my husband) “…but I don’t think I act different but he always gets mad…” etc., Etc.,

I’m not really sure how to continue a genuine relationship with Ashley and simultaneously avoid pissing off Jake. None of these things are a problem for my husband or I around anyone else, but we also live in a very suburban “bubble,” so I’m starting to second guess whether or not we do come across as snobs. I’m also not sure if I want to tell my husband about what happened during the trip, because he can be very brash with Ashley and urge her to leave Jake after incidents like this. I know she loves him and I love her too.

(gif for comic relief)