My life is a mess and it’ll never get better.

July 9th 2019 i found out i was pregnant with my bf i had only been with for 5 months at the time. I was 20 years old at the time and was absolutely terrified of the idea of having kids with a guy i hadn’t even known for a year. My mom had an off and on relationship with my dad for around 4 years before i came around and my dad dipped out on us the second she told him she was pregnant. My whole life my norm had been “men never want kids and will leave you if you have one” i was beyond terrified because from an early age I promised myself i’d never have kids because then i’d be loved. If i had kids no one will ever love me. My mom stayed single my whole life AND still is to this day. So i guess it kind of fucked me up. I as an adult logically know there are men who want kids and all that but in this moment when i saw the positive test results my whole world crumbled. I also at that time had an IUD for 2-3 ish years so i didn’t think i’d be that ‘LUCKY’ 1% who failed. I got an abortion without even considering keeping it. I took the pill with i was exactly 6 weeks according to the doctors. And i’ll be honest.... i was happy and relieved.. i’m not entirely sure what switched in me or when/why but after about 3 weeks after the whole thing everything in my mind changed and i felt different. I felt like a murderer even though i felt i made the right choice, i obsessed over what my baby would be if it was a girl or a boy, i blamed myself for everything and felt guilt, i was angry, i cried myself to sleep EVERY single night for 2 years, i wanted to kill myself, i shut everyone out (not that i had friends or family to begin with) but i shut my mom out and i share everything with her, i constantly worried about what if i get pregnant again, what if my birth control fails once again. I never got therapy, i threw myself into work but then the pandemic hit and i was forced to my home and my suicidal thoughts all alone with nobody but my mom who couldn’t relate and a bf who didn’t wanna talk about it.

Oh and i forgot to mention... i felt phantom flutters the whole time. After what would’ve been my 11th week i felt these little tinny flutters. They started out infrequent and light, and by my 15-16 week i was getting them every few minutes and much clearer. I was physically and emotionally reminded of what i never wanted to happen for 9 months and after the flutters stopped my depression didn’t go away. Now, nearly 3 years later i’m at a point where i don’t know where i stand. I’m not depressed, suicidal, or anything really. But there’s a bitter part of me that wasn’t there before. I started having these crazy feelings of wanting kids but hating the idea of having kids... i want to pursue my career and still have this subconscious fear of never finding a man who will ever really want kids with me. I’m still with my bf after these 3 years and i’m glad he stuck around even if i still experienced the darkness on my own. He kept my mind going and distracted and does what he can in his own way. But if i’m being honest. I physically cannot imagine him proposing to me, wanting kids with me, or any of that. And i’m not sure how i feel about that. I’ve always been a career driven person, i have and always will put my dreams/career before anything or anyone, so these impulses per se of wanting kids is really pissing me off. I think i “want” kids for the wrong reasons and i’m not even sure i can ever tell if i will EVER want kids for the right reasons? I really want to get my baby factory shut down for good so i can live my life with my choice taken away from me because it’s easier to know i don’t have any other option than it is to constantly be tormented by this biological pull to procreate.

I am quite literally living my own worst nightmare... and i don’t know how to stop it. I tried therapy and quite frankly it was a waste of a year of my life and a year of my money because yay i’m not suicidal but i’m still fucked up forever. How tf does anyone get past this crap. I literally think the only way is to just rip my whole uterus out at this point.