Abortion/ Feeling so lost

My ex and I recently got back together in January after breaking up 3 years ago.

In the beginning I went through a honeymoon faze and overlooked all the red flags. I justify the bad and thought I could help him. He had given me an ultimatum in the beginning saying if I don’t have a kid with him then he would leave me. I gave in because I though he would then treat me better and things would be okay.

When I found out I was pregnant I wasn’t happy. I was more happy when I got the negative test the first time than I was when I got the positive a week later.

After we found out he ran off to tell his family but I haven’t told anyone of mine because I know that they won’t be disappointed just sad because I spend my whole childhood raising my sibling as a result of growing up in a household where physical, emotional, and verbal abuse was present.

Recently I’ve realized that this isn’t something I want for myself. Our problems have gotten worse and I don’t want to bring a child into this knowing I’m not financially stable, the father has no respect for me and has belittled me in every argument we get into. He calls me a whore and says that I ruined his life the 3 years we were apart because I went on with my life and he was stuck on me.

A little over a week ago I told him I didn’t want a kid at the moment and he called me a liar for originally agreeing then changing my mind. He threatened to kill me if I go through with it and said he wishes nothing but the worst for me after. He’s called me a ‘baby killer’ and many more names.

I have the appointment scheduled for tomorrow morning and I know this is what’s best for me and my life.

I’ve never wanted a kid and I told him that in the beginning. Eventually he just kept pressuring me so that’s why I gave in to the whole idea. I wanted to please him in hopes he’d be happy. (I know that isn’t right)

It’s making me feel guilty and sad though because I know this is it. The first time we broke up was because he was physically abusive and a cheater. I was barely 18 at the time and always had hope he’d change. When we got back together at the beginning of this year I was so happy to have him back. He seemed different and I thought this time it would work.

Losing him knowing there’s zero change of ever having him in my life is terrifying to me. I love him because I’ve seen his great moments.

I know it’s what’s best for me because the ‘love’ he has for me is so flawed.

I’m just scared to lose the person I love forever even though I know they don’t love me the way I deserve. It’s just hard to accept.