Hello October 2019 Mamas! Like many of you, Im on my way to having another baby after our October baby. My October 2019 baby is my first and only for now, and I seriously love him so so so so much, to a point where I really just want to love him and only him. My husband and I were on mutual feelings about starting again BECAUSE of how much we love our son and wanted to grow our family and give him a sibling.

At the beginning of my pregnancy, my mom and stepfather lost custody to my siblings and I had taken them in until about the second half of my pregnancy to when they were able to go back. That alone got my mind completely stressed, depressed and too busy to really sit down and enjoy what’s going on. I’m on my third trimester now, but I just moved, I’m adjusting to a new place. My son is getting bigger and our relationship is stronger. I just love seeing him flourish each and everyday (I’m a SAHM). Im with him literally 24/7 and I love him so much. But when my unborn baby does kick.. I really don’t pay it any mind. I don’t really speak to my unborn son at all.. I don’t think about it as much as I did my first. No pictures. I am preparing material-wise but emotionally I’m extremely un-attached. I’ve tried speaking to my unborn son but it feels so.. akward almost. I hate feeling this way. My mom always treated me as her least favorite and I swore I’d never be the same. I’m not sure if all the (unexplained in this post) traumatic things that occurred just completely turned me away from being able to connect from the beginning. Now I have a fear my son will feel less than, and I regret being pregnant because all the depression and anger I felt during my pregnancy I wish my unborn baby would’ve never felt. I feel guilty not feeling more attached and my attempts feel.. empty. I don’t know what to do and I don’t want to tell anyone in fear of being judged. I love my son with everything I have, and I want to feel the same way about my second. I just don’t know how to, or what went wrong. I really thought that this was the best decision but then things went dark so fast in my life that now thinking about my baby feels odd to me. I’ve been asked if I’d like a baby shower by many friends.. but Ive denied all of them. I don’t want one. I didn’t have one for my first so that kind of makes me not want one now, but just thinking about who’s invited after everything that happened makes me feel uneasy. I haven’t taken a single photo bc we’ll, I just don’t want to. I don’t care to. I just wish to be at peace with home, love my son and husband and try to think about what’s happening without everything else. Which is hard when my siblings still suffer. Being happy feels almost selfish knowing they’re suffering still. But my unborn son doesn’t deserve that. He doesn’t deserve a mom who writes this post.

I think about birth; and instead of thinking about meeting my son, I think about where my first born will go and who will be with him? How will he handle being away from me? How will I handle being away from so long ? I’ve never let him be babysat due to the same problem. No family and my mom is abusive. I’m all most 3 years he’s only been watched for about 4-5 hours. If I sound protective, it’s because I am. My raising was so shitty and babysitters abused us physically, emotionally and sexually. Therefore being a SAHM was an easy choice for me. But I feel guilty that I think about my son more than I do my unborn son’s ARRIVAL. I’m really sorry if this was all over the place. My mind feels that way a lot now.

Please, I need advice…