My husband and I are at rock bottom. We’ve been together 7 years and will be married for 6 in August. There have always been things in our relationship from the beginning that he has hurt me with. For example:

- while dating I found out he had a hidden folder on his computer of nudes for every single one of his exes. Some had been there for years and some had just been added to the folder (we started dating in June and they were added the following April). I confronted him he told me he deleted it all but 4 years later I find an entire hidden email address he used to send himself the pictures. He refused to show me what he kept hidden in the email address and deleted it all but now swears “I didn’t send it to another email account”

-numerous times I found him watching porn, looking up naked women wherever he could (searching bimbo on Pinterest, thinking I wouldn’t find it) even though I established the boundary from the beginning that I don’t want porn in our relationship and he agreed.

- In 2019 I caught him sexting/having emotional affairs with his coworkers. Not all at once. I caught him in August, again on my birthday in November, and again the next March. He again, deleted everything and said it wasn’t cheating (still sticks to this) since he never had sex with any of them. He blames him having these affairs on how I treat him. He says I make him feel insecure (I told him his penis was small one time while drunk) and that is why he had to go seek attention from these women.

-June 2020 I found a text from Plenty of Fish (where we met) that was an access code to his account. He swears up and down he only wanted to get on the site to find an old picture of his. But all I had to do was google his name and the picture was there already. I confronted him, we fought and I watched him cancel/delete the account right in front of me.

Those are just a couple of things that I’ve had to go through throughout our marriage. Obviously everyone’s first reaction will tell me to leave, that he clearly doesn’t love me, I know. We have 2 small kids, I’m a SAHM and I know there is someone out there who wouldn’t hurt me like this. But it’s now been 3 years since anything has “happened.” Throughout all of this I’ve felt so hurt and lost and let that get the best of me, I started drinking heavy which he hates, he says he resents me for it and if I drink anymore he’ll go watch porn and cheat again. We’ve had the same fight for years, me begging him for attention and love. When I tell him I need reassurance that he isn’t the way he used to be he tells me he “doesn’t have to reassure me all the time. That I should know that he isn’t cheating or watching porn.” But I just can’t trust him! I’m so exhausted from having the same fights with him. I don’t know how to move past everything that he’s done to me but I want to try everything I can. He wants me to see that he’s different and that he’s trying but I’m thinking I’m just not noticing the small things he’s doing to be “good.” Should I trust him since he hasn’t done anything in the last 3 years? I tell him it’s hard to trust because there has always been something he does right around the corner and I can’t get that fear of the future out of my head.