Is marriage/ more kids really a deal breaker?

Question

I am so stuck with what I really want.
I have been with my partner four years now. He had two other kids from a previous relationship, I have one child from a previous relationship.
When we first got together he was telling me he would love to marry me and we would have a baby together. 
Now he is saying he doesn’t want that. He had two kids with his ex and was engaged to her and that had turned him off it all. 
It sounds so petty but I just feel like crap knowing he would have kids with her and spend a ridiculous amount of money on a ring and wedding planning  and now doesn’t want to get engaged to me? 
I’m not materialistic at all and would never expect a nothing expensive or extravagant.. I guess I’m just looking for some type of commitment from him.
 And I am confused that he will let his past negative experience influence getting married to me. 
What would you do in this situation?

Accepted Answer

Your options are… stay and eventually let resentment kill your relationship, force a marriage and let HIS resentment kill your relationship, or leave and find a partner who shares the same needs. Compromising in these matters almost never works out.

Answer

If you're future goals are compatible then yes it is absolutely a deal breaker. If marriage and kids is something you know you want, and he isn't willing to give you that,  then unfortunately he may not be the one for you 💕

Answer

I don’t think it has anything to do with him wanting to marry and have kids with her but not you, I think the whole aspect of marriage has been “ruined” for him because they didn’t work out and he doesn’t want to go through that again. That’s okay, but he should have said that upfront. He told you he wanted marriage and kids with you but now he’s saying he doesn’t. That would be very upsetting to me too and I’d end the relationship. 
You can either choose to stay and see if he changes his mind or end things now, it’s hard to tell if he will actually change his mind though and it’s not fair to you to sit and wait if marriage and another baby is what you want.

Answer

My mom and cousin both stayed with a man who didn’t want to marry them. My dad was previously married and said the same thing as your SO. She won’t admit it but resents him for that. My cousin has convinced herself that she doesn’t care about it anymore. We deserve someone who wants the same things as us

Answer

Oh it’s a lot more than material things. Marriage and family are significant. Yes it’s a dealbreaker if he absolutely doesn’t want what you need.

Answer

leave because you’re never going to be truly compatible

Answer

I think he’s using his ex as a scapegoat and I wouldn’t waste another day on him if kids and marriage is what you really want. Everyone has the right to change their mind, but telling you he wants marriage and a kid from you initially to now coming up with lame excuses is absolutely a deal breaker.

Answer

I think it’s pretty sad that deep down he knew that a child and marriage isn’t what he wanted. But, because he was probably in a lonely, vulnerable state, he had said anything you wanted to hear to get you close. I would think it’s a deal breaker. You don’t want to spend tour life wondering when you can find someone who WILL!! I would just tell him that you don’t plan on spending your life as a lifelong girlfriend and that if marriage isn’t what he wanted then he should have said that from the beginning. Honesty in a relationship is everything bc then you get to these situations and get stuck.

Answer

It's a little strange that he's drastically changing his mind without a clear reason why (the ex reason is bullshit). However is it a deal breaker really depends on perspective. (4 years is a long time for a marriage nevermind more children depending on your age) I would really communicate with him to find out what the delay in the marriage proposal(don't worry about the more children thing for now) is really about to see if waiting for the proposal is a worthwhile thing.

Answer

Don't settle, you'll never be truly happy. If he really wanted to marry you, he would. My sister has been with her boyfriend for over 10 years. He has two kids by other women. She wanted marriage and her own child from him early on in the relationship. He promised both when the time was right, as he says his ex's scare him from marriage. He strung her along for over 10 years, telling her later, later, later. Now she's getting too old to conceive and she's 40 still calling him a boyfriend. She's not truly happy, it bothers her everyday.

Is marriage/ more kids really a deal breaker?

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