31 weeks and so uncomfortable

I just need to commiserate. I’m not looking for advice, I just want to complain for a second.

I’m 31 weeks with my first, and he’s already measuring big. I bought a pregnancy pillow to help me get more sleep, but with the amount of times I have to get up and pee in the middle of the night and how hard it is to get out of the U shaped pillow and then back in it makes me feel like it’s not worth it to sleep with. But then if I don’t sleep with it my whole body hurts.

I’m super iron deficient anemic, so I’m exhausted. I’m constantly craving eating ice and low key every time I pass the kitchen I see the dish soap looking at me like “I know you wanna smell me”. I have an appointment on the 25th to get an IV of iron but I genuinely don’t know how I’m going to stay awake the entire 45 minute drive to the clinic. I have a constant head ache if there’s any light but I hate to be shut in. I try to sleep but then I get the restless leg syndrome lightning bolts except through my entire body.

Also I’m lonely af and I don’t have the energy to really shower as often as I’d like. I shower with actual soap about every other day to every third day, but I make it a point to at least jump in and spray off for 30 seconds every day, and have definitely not washed my hair in about a week. It’s probably been two weeks but honestly I try not to think about it because I’m surviving. The only person willing to come over to see me is my MIL and while she’s not the worst person ever, she’s definitely an energy drainer and I do have to be careful about the things I say around her otherwise my boyfriend or I get an entire lecture. I’ve tried telling her “we’re adults we can make our own decisions” but she’ll go into “I’m just trying to help you navigate this time” and it’s like that’s fine but I don’t want the help and advice all the time.

I moved across the country last year and haven’t made friends out here because I don’t have a job so all my interactions have been online and that’s fine I guess but with the exhaustion I just can’t keep up a conversation over text. If I get called, I start getting sleepy because I’m just laying in bed.

I’m so emotional too. I just want to hang out with my boyfriend because he’s comforting and I love him but I know he needs his alone time and he’s trying his best to be here for me but also I can see that he gets frustrated with how often I ask to cuddle or talk or whatever. Plus, he works full time and takes care of the home full time for the both of us right now. He’s really understanding but I just feel bad because he’s doing so much and I feel like I’m doing nothing. He also cooks for me but every time I say I’m hungry he says “again?!” and like I get it I am eating often but it’s smaller meals because my stomach is getting squished but making a person is a lot of work. I know he doesn’t mean any harm and he’s just trying to make me laugh but it’s causing some body image stuff. I already can’t stand to look in the mirror when I go to the bathroom because of the lack of showering but also my belly isn’t round like I thought it would be. It’s more of a B shape and I don’t think I look pregnant, but rather just a little chunky.

I love my son beyond words already, and when he kicks it hurts so I feel bad that I’m not enjoying it. We have nothing set up and I just… I’m so tired. There’s a lot to think about all the time.

I also have big fears of stillbirth because every story I have heard (I never seek them out but I’ve heard them over the years) say that the person’s pregnancy was going great until it wasn’t. I just want to be done being pregnant for so many reasons but this is the biggest. I don’t want to think about the risks of pregnancy, and I want to enjoy my baby boy.

And then I think about “well if it’s this hard now, what will it be like when he’s here?” which is terrifying.

Anyways, if you’ve read so far I appreciate you taking the time to hear me whine. Yes I’m in therapy and yes I keep an open dialogue with everyone because I’m aware that this all sounds like a big precursor to PPD, and most likely is. I just wanted to put it all in one spot and maybe if someone else is miserable for a minute during what is supposed to be a very magical time, they won’t feel so alone. ❤️