Hi ladies,

I’m here because I need to really just get something off my chest and also could use some advice. Sorry for this being so lengthy!

So a few months ago while I was at something kind of like a boarding school (it’s complicated), one of my classmates sexually assaulted me. I really liked him and had strong feelings for him but then one day we were making out and he started touching me over my pants and I told him I didn’t want him to touch me down there yet. He kept asking “why not” and stuff and eventually took his hand away, only to start touching me down there again a few minutes later. This happened on another day as well and this time when I said “no” he literally said “yes” in response which shocked me and eventually I think I just let him do it because I didn’t know what to do. 😔

We saw each other basically all day every day because our rooms were next to each other and all of our classes were together, so I tried to ignore what happened. We weren’t officially in a relationship but I kept seeing him anyway, and I don’t really know why. He said a lot of insulting/hurtful things to me over time, made me feel insecure, and started showing abusive behavior. He gave me hickeys all over my chest and neck even when I gently asked him not to because it was embarrassing when our classmates and teachers saw. Once we were texting about sexual stuff and he said he wanted to finger me the next time he saw me. I told him I didn’t like fingering so I didn’t want him to do that and he literally replied that he “wasn’t asking,” like he had the right to do it. When we were alone in his room once, he pinched my cheek roughly and slapped my face (not super hard, but enough to hurt some) after I told him I was accepted to a university. He would “jokingly” choke me on a number of occasions. He grabbed and slapped my ass without asking just after I first told him I had feelings for him, and pressured me almost daily to have sex (I never gave in thankfully) until I finally really told him off about it because I had kept saying “no” and got really annoyed that he kept asking.

Sometimes I think that maybe I deserved it when he slapped my face because I used to lightly slap his arm or his shoulder when we were with our classmates and he said something kind of comically “rude” and I would sort of scold him, but we were always all laughing. I don’t know, maybe it’s the same or maybe it’s different?

I like to think that I stayed with him and glossed things over because I just wanted to be able to enjoy the rest of my time there with my other friends without causing drama. But honestly, I think I also just didn’t want to admit to myself that there was a problem in the first place. When I first met him, he was so kind and actually helped me in a lot of ways emotionally. It shocked me some how much he changed once I told him I liked him and he said he liked me back, but I guess there were a few red flags even before we were kind of together. Regardless, I think I was always hoping things would go back to the good times we had. I never confronted him about these things and we’re actually still friends (maybe that makes me weak, I don’t know. Please don’t hate on me for it 😅). I’m now with someone else though (and the guy from my school doesn’t know) and my current boyfriend treats me SO well. He knows I was sexually assaulted but doesn’t know what happened or any of the details about the negative behavior of the guy from my school.

If anyone else has experienced a similar kind of unhealthy relationship, how did you talk with future partners about it? How did you bring it up? DID you bring it up? And how did you heal from the assault and the relationship itself? Have any of you been in a situation where you stayed in a toxic/abusive relationship? How did you deal with your feelings after leaving? Did you ever almost want to get back with the person who hurt you? Sometimes I feel like I’m feeling all the wrong emotions (missing him, wishing it could’ve worked out, still having lingering feelings for him, etc.) and I don’t know what to do.

Thank you in advance!