finances

my boyfriend and I have been together for almost 8 years.

I am a stepmom to his kids and he is dad of my kid.

I met him when I was 21, he was 36.

I have been stupid and dumb and blind but he had access to all of my finances within 3 months of dating. Which seems so crazy to me now.

I had a good amount of savings until we met. When we started dating I was paying things, dates etc... . When we moved in together I paid for all of our furniture.. obviously not legally noted.. but we couldn't just buy one necessity and then save and buy something else we needed and save.. because his kids needed a full home.

He talked and manipulated me into taking loans I couldn't carry.

Whenever I would be stressed about money... and scratching at the end of the month.. he'd tell me I was overreacting, he'd been in a much deeper money pit, it would soon be better.. and he's been telling me for years that it will be better. but it isn't better and it appears not to become better, but worse. Every year he's bailing work for half a year or whatever.. it's been the last 4 years that he hasn't worked for 6 months or more which is a financial burden. It's always medical but I honestly wonder how much truth he tells me.. He's told me he wanted to fake cancer but I told him he couldn't do that so that's why I question his motives.

I am at a point I want to seperate.

Firstly I am looking for a new job thay is easily combined with my kid. I got an offer for an interview I had to look into it but they want to pitch me. I would be surprised if I even have a chance because I feel I don't meet the language requirements.. (they need a german customer service agent. I know some german but definitely not enough to run a customer service but the agent that called me didn't know german so couldn't test me but said that possibly I can ask for included language studies as my basis of the language is a better start than no knowledge of the language at all) the job isn't the point.. it does however pay 3x my current wage. Offers an amazing package of benefits.. Including telework 3days per week and I can plan my own schedule (around my kid). I would be a fool not to try to take this job definitely considering that I might need to raise my kid by myself soon if I leave my boyfriend.

So I was talking to my boyfriend about my concerns and he said "you should definitely take that job, then I can be a SAHD"

Firstly I am already very concerned about how we'll be able to pay for everything right now with rising prices of everything. Second.. he won't want to go against his ex so I'll probably be paying his child support, his kids' activities, his kids' schooling etc.. which, I love them dearly and I'd do anything for them but THAT is frankly not my responsibility. He's still paying off loans to his ex-inlaws.. Where in his mind is he going to get the money from to pay that back? Does he think I will be doing that? Paying off his debt? (Him wanting to be a SAHD isn't a joint decision and I feel like he's already leaching off me, that won't get better if I will have the sole income)

Third.. he has 3 teens that combined eat a lot of food I can't and won't be paying for all of that by myself while he's living the good life.. (he said he could do and maintain the full household in a good 5 hours per week.. so that leaves him with about 6, 5 free days per week.. that sounds like "the good life" for me, I know that's not what a lot of SAHM's do trust me but he'll still expect me to take full responsibility for our 2yo and his teens are actually already pretty helpfull in the household.. we basically need the floors mopped weekly and the laundry washed and folded so that's him being a SAHD)

fourth.. He actually knows I want to leave him. Not so long ago he TOLD me he wants me as broke as possible because if I am not broke I have the option of leaving him.

I understand how big that red flag is... and I'm talking to a counselor next week to help with these kinds of family issues.

-our monthly expenses are huge because of debts we're paying off and have subscriptions we don't need and actually can't afford.. Moving on with our child will "lower" our child's life standard, but he's 2. he doesn't need a 60"TV we can't afford. He doesn't need full speed unlimited internet or digital tv. He doesn't need video games or theme parks or expensive trips. He's just as happy with a yearly zoo subscription where we can save for and we go like 10 times a year.. we had that kind of subscription for his kids and paid an ok amount for that, considering you could go more than once a year and the subscription was less than 2 visits worth.. but if you then only go once every 2 years than that's a huge expense you don't need... It's always like that.. he spends a ton of money on what he sells to me as a good intention for his kids or to save money and I know we're just overspending because he never comes through with his good intentions and then it's just too much money spent.

I can actually pay off my portion of debts with my current wage.. so leaving him that wouldn't be the biggest issue. The biggest issue however is gathering money that I'll need to get to be able to rent a place. Which is possibly where this counselor could possibly help.

-I know I need to get a private account and get all my finances on this new account.. I'm working on that.

I'm sorry.. This is long and not clear..

I am really in shock that he really said I should just work and he should be a SAHD...

also I've been wondering.. this weekend his grandma gave me 100bucks under the table for my birthday that passed like 4 months ago.. I'm not sure if she did that out of his sight on purpose, but she did this thesame way the last time she gave me money as well (out of his sight I mean). she told me to spend it on myself.

It's not wrong that I haven't told him. I know it isn't. But it still does feel wrong.