How do I help support someone after a miscarriage?

Question

I believe my friend may have had a miscarriage and tomorrow she’ll find out. I haven’t mentioned to her that I think this is likely what happened and she thinks she is going to find out she is still pregnant. Miscarriage isn’t on her mind. I don’t feel comfortable sharing why I think this but it feels very obvious to me and other that this is what has happened. I don’t plan on bringing up my suspicions until she’s gone to the doctor to find out for sure what is happening. We’re young adults and I’ve never had anyone I know miscarry. If she finds out she did in fact miscarry, what is the best way to support her? Is there anything I should avoid talking about other than the obvious “you can still have kids in the future”? Is there anything specific that I should say to her? Thank you I’m advance.

Answer

I've had 3 miscarriages, and quite honestly all I wanted was to know someone was there (other than my husband) IF I wanted / needed to talk /vent / scream / shout / cry. I hated that people felt awkward and as such treated me differently or didn't talk to me the way they would normally.
The worst phrases I heard from friends and family were;
"It just wasn't meant to be"
"Don't worry, there will be others, you can try again"
"They've gone to a better place"
"They're with mamma (or other passed relative)"
"X percent of all pregnancies fail"
"There must have been something wrong with the baby"
"Better / kinder to have lost the baby now than it live with life changing issues"
The best phrases I heard:
"I'm here"
"Let's go for coffee"
"I'm sorry, I know you feel like the world has stopped, I want to help you get your new normal"
"It's ok not to talk, I'll just sit and kill some time with you"
Just BE there. She doesn't necessarily need your words. She just needs to know that she isn't alone, she will feel like she has failed, her body has failed and the world feels upside down. It does get easier, but for the interim she will feel like everything is back to front and will wonder why she is even getting up in the mornings, why the world continues to turn when all her hopes and dreams have been shattered. Initially she will be sad and then likely very angry that her baby didn't make it - why have other women's pregnancies continued when hers hasn't. There's nothing you can say to alleviate that - she needs to reconcile that herself

Answer

I'd also second that being there and happy to listen without judgement or without saying your own perspective on it is exactly what I needed/ need. Lots of people don't have that level of support and tend to feel very alone because they don't feel like they can tell anyone how they're really feeling. Grieving the loss of a baby is completely different to the loss of someone you loved who you had memories with. You don't just lose the baby, you lose all your hopes, dreams and expectations. You lose yourself and who you thought you were and would become and your world is shattered. Just being there for your friend and showing them you care is the best thing you can give them right now. Thank you for asking and being one of those rare gems who want to do the best for their friend and want to know how to support them. If in doubt always just ask if you're unsure if they'd appreciate something too as everyone processes and deals with grief differently.

How do I help support someone after a miscarriage?

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