Trigger Warning

I was married for four years. He was the epitome of controlling. Cameras throughout the house (including the bedroom, which I didn’t know until later,) gps locations on my phone at all times, monitored any funds used, the whole ten yards.

Our sex always felt like a weapon for him. If we got into a fight, mid way, he’d hold me down to have his way and that’d, most of the time, end the fight. It was always a mindfuck to me. He was severely abusive. I’ve had two broken noses, a total of 6 broken bones, 3 broken fingers, and a broken leg all within the 6 years we were together. I’d lost consciousness from being choked multiple times. Honesty I make myself mad at myself for having stayed so long. But he had a way of making me always somehow at fault or if I was upset about something, by the end of the argument, I was too confused to even understand myself.

When I finally left him, he got worse. Showed up on thanksgiving and punched me in the chest when I opened the door. He put tracking things on my cars, would sit outside my house at 2-3 in the morning. Eventually I was granted a protection order after hiding at a women’s shelter.

But that all ended three years ago and I still find myself struggling from it. I have a boyfriend and he’s nice. But sometimes I struggle trusting him. If he moves too fast or abruptly, I panic a little. Sometimes I even flinch. And as soon as I do, I get so fucking mad at myself. However, sex is a huge issue for me. I find myself being more submissive and then hating myself afterwards. I realize it’s because I still stress from my ex husband’s actions. There were even times I’d wake in the middle of the night to my ex on top of me. Sex was always a demand that I couldn’t say no to, even if I did say no- it was never accepted. But he was my husband so it’s not like it was rape. But it still felt wrong. And now I’m in this other relationship and I want to be happy with him, but I just struggle. Idk how to explain it. Other than I’m struggling.

I feel out of body with anxiety lately.

I guess I just needed to say this somewhere and I don’t feel open enough to tell the people I know, of how I’m feeling.