TW abuse- Im sure nobody will read this whole post, I just have to vent because I have nobody and the very very few people I do have (2 sisters and a little brother) don’t know I’m going through this. I cover for him so much and tell everyone how good we’re doing but it’s a lie. My bf is the most narcissistic, mentally and emotionally abusive person I’ve ever been with. Like seriously idk if I could ever fully explain the extent of it. Its not physical abuse but I would literally rather be beat black and blue than feel the way he makes me feel. I feel like a scolded child who fears their explosive parent when I’m with him. I thought we were doing better lately but last night was absolute hell for me. I won’t go into any past events, JUST one thing that happened last night. Im crying as I’m typing this just remembering the awful anxiety I felt. We ordered take out from our favorite Mexican restaurant and we got a large cup of queso cheese. We picked it up, were perfectly fine in the car and even when we got home. We were home for maybe 10 mins and it all hit the fan because he walked away to get a drink and I was sitting at the table eating. I stupidly reached across the table instead of standing up and I grabbed the cup of queso and was gonna move it closer to me so I could dip my chips and since it was a large it kinda slipped out of my grip and it spilled into his container of rice. My stomach DROPPED so bad, I literally felt the color in my face go white because I knew he was gonna be furious. Like I just wanted to run and hide before he came back to the table and seen that. I didn’t want to wait for him to see it so as he was walking back to the table I turned around and said “I’m really sorry I accidentally spilled the queso and some of it went into your container of rice”. I was shaking when I said it, he stopped and just stared at me then looked at his rice and turned around and walked off. I thought maybe he wouldn’t make that big a deal out of it because it really was just an accident but he came back a couple mins later and told me how I did that on purpose because I wanted to ruin his dinner that way he couldn’t eat, etc etc etc I was already mid panic attack and zoned out so I don’t even remember what all he said. He stood there and lectured me for every bit of 20 mins telling me how ignorant and how big of an idiot I am and how I should have stood up to grab the queso and that I’m just lazy. I started crying because he was being so mean and making me anxious then he just stood there telling me to “stop f*cking crying” and that I was just trying to make him feel bad for my fuck up, was telling me how ugly I am when I cry then pulled his phone out and started taking pictures of me with the flash on so he could “show me how stupid my face looks”. Told me I love to get this reaction out of him because I’m so bored with my pathetic life and that I need to get help if my anxiety is “that bad” because I was sitting there trembling while he yelled at me, said he was going to leave me because I don’t respect him and that anyone would be happy to be treated like a queen the way he treats me. Just going insane all because I spilled some cheese on accident. This was just ONE single instance last night. I’ve been with him 5 years. I’m only 21 years old, and the situation is even worse because we have a 2 year old together. I know I should leave but I physically can’t. He financially supports my entire life 100%. I have absolutely no income, not even an allowance. He never gives me any money, just pays for everything himself so I can’t save any money up. I have no vehicle and even if I did I don’t even know how to drive because nobody ever taught me, he refuses to teach me even though I’ve begged him for years, he always says no. I can’t work because I can’t afford daycare and I’m too nervous to leave our toddler with him alone because of his blow ups. I have NO family or support system at all. My dad committed suicide, my mom got a new boyfriend then got strung out on drugs and gave me to states custody, I lived with 6 different families growing up and none of them helped me in any way. I have zero contact with any of them. I don’t know anyone on my dads side of the family and my moms side all hates me because of my mother. Idk what to do. I feel so alone that sometimes I think my only way out of this situation is going to be suicide but I can’t bring myself to do it as bad as I wish I could. I can’t leave my son. As sick as it is at the end of the day my abuser is the ONLY person I have in in this world and he knows that. He takes advantage of it and does what he wants to me because he knows I cannot leave. I hate that this is my life and I’m so young.