Why am I so torn over it?

andromeda • mama to three beauties. pisces. professional spiritual advisor. mortuary science student.

This isn't my first chemical. I lost this one over Thanksgiving. This is my third chemical, fourth loss. Yet I'm about to paint something in honour of this one when I haven't for any other ones before. I feel grief, anger and sadness. Blindsided. It makes no sense and I feel silly even feeling this way.