I’m drowning in postpartum and motherhood. This is my third baby and I’m 4 weeks pp today and I’ve been crying all day. I feel like the worlds worst mom to my toddlers and it’s like I can’t get myself out of the funk I’m in. I use to take them outside, read to them, play with them on the floor, have patience, sing and dance with them, and just be a fun mom. Since the end of pregnancy I haven’t been doing most of the things and the guilt is eating me alive about it but I just don’t want to do them. I don’t even want to get out of bed most days.

I feel so mean now. Im always tending to the baby, yelling, frustrated or irritated with them. I try to stay calm but it’s like I just can’t handle them anymore. They act out more than ever now but it’s because I’m not the mom I use to be. I feel so worthless and like a piece of crap. Like I don’t deserve any of my kids or like I don’t even want them sometimes. Im crying so much or in a bad mood and that’s not fair to any of them. They are in bed for the night and I’m crying because I failed them again. I turned on the tv after nap while I tried to bf and make dinner and just do the bare minimum and they deserve so much better than that. They deserve someone who can handle the house and be a good mom.

Why can’t I just be happy? Why can’t I be a better mom? Why am I struggling so damn much? It’s gotten to the point where I’m starting to feel like they’d all be better without me. Im not someone they probably even want to be around with my shitty attitudes all the time. Im tired of myself I can’t imagine how my family feels. Everyday I tell myself the next day I’ll be better. That I’m still adjusting and that tomorrow I’ll do more with them but then the baby will be up all night cluster feeding so I’m exhausted in the morning and dad has to take over and after nap I’m even more tired so I just do what I can and then cry all night because of how I lied to myself about doing better when I can’t even give them 30 minutes of me.

I don’t know why I’m posting this. I guess to get it off my chest? Someone please tell me this gets better.