I'm actually in a great marriage and happy. We have been together for over a decade and married for over 5 years. We have two kids and a couple of miscarriages.

My first miscarriage ever was with my first love. I was in high-school and he was getting his masters. We met through a family member and I was 18. We actually fell madly in love. I mean completely infatuated and consuming love. He asked me to marry him. I found out I was pregnant. Miscarried. Well it broke us as people.

Years later we reconnected and I hit a cross roads and chose to date my husband and to part ways with my ex. I was hoping it all would be closure but it's not for me. I think about him all the time.

I suspected he had a name change and I Googled him and found where he is working. We were in the same field of work so it didn't take long to search. I figured he did a name change to something more American as he came here as a teen and I knew he disliked his name.

I am actually in tears. I feel so sad. I immediately erased my search history like I did something awful. I feel gross. Everytime I lose a baby it brings my memories and emotions come flooding back of him. I don't regret my decision to marry my husband so why do I do this?

Please tell me this isn't super abnormal? I have had many other relationships before my husband and was certain he is the man for me. I also don't look up any other ex's. I have no desire to cheat.

**I just want to say thank you for being so kind to respond. I feel so terrible about it. I've been crying. I have no regrets with my life but that doesn't mean I did any of the work to heal from what has broken me. I believe it is harder when a relationship ends and you love the person you just realize that person isn't your person. We never stopped loving eachother. That is almost harder to not have the fights or the blame but know you love someone and walk away is one of the kindest and hardest things to do. I love my husband dearly thanks for making me feel normal to have all the same feelings at once.